Critical Role

Linkable transcripts

Campaign 1 Episode 105

The Fear of Isolation

CRWiki
# MATT
Hello, everyone, and welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons and Dragons. I think we're recording, because my camera light's not on, but nevertheless, welcome. (laughs)
# TRAVIS
We're totally recording.
# MATT
I'm pretty sure we are. Anyway guys, welcome, we have a fantastic guest who will be joining us later this evening, but before we get to that we have announcements to go over real fast. First and foremost, tonight's episode is sponsored by a new sponsor, a fantastic group called Quidd! If you want to talk about that first?
# SAM
Hi, guys. Vacation Sam here. Quidd is our sponsor tonight, a fantastic new sticker app for your phone. You can check it out at bitly, that's bit.ly/crquidd. I didn't know much about the company, but Quidd sounded vaguely British, so little-known fact about me, I have access to the BBC archives at home, so I did some snooping and sure enough, I found a World War II newsreel transcript that talked about Quidd, so I thought I would do a dramatic reading of it for you right now.
# LIAM
Here we go.
# SAM
News from the front! This is Nigel J.
Creamhutch reporting from BBC London. March 23, 1944 may be a turning point in WWII as PM Churchill announces a new weapon in the fight against those devilish Nazis. They're calling it Quidd, a new app where you can collect stickers, cards and Funko figures on your telephone device.
Our lads on the frontlines are already using it! We spoke with Lieutenant Neville Bingham of the Royal Navy.
Right, yeah, Quidd's this free app available on the Apple App Store and Google Play, and it's helping us drive Hitler back to Berlin.
But it's not just our Tommies. The Reds have discovered Quidd as well! We spoke with tank commander Ivan Bashenko.
With Quidd, Russian army is strongest in world.
Morale better now with thousands of stickers to collect that can be used like emojis in messages to your friends. Stalingrad will not fall with these cute stickers! Why, they're even using Quidd across the pond! We spoke with American sergeant John Smith, an American Doughboy.
I'm John, an American. We American GIs love to collect stickers from brands like Rick and Morty, Bob's Burgers, Family Guy, Breaking Bad, Star Trek, and newly announced Game of Thrones. Take that, Emperor Hirohito! Well, there you have it, ladies and gents. Your British Armed Forces and our allies will defeat the Nazis and win the Second Great War if you go to bit.ly/crquidd and check out Quidd. Good night, good luck, and god save the queen, pip pip! (cheering)
# TRAVIS
I'm so glad that's available on the BBC.
# SAM
Yeah, it was a weird transcript. I would have shown the newsreel, but it was just a transcript.
# MATT
Fair enough. Well, thank you for the update on that, and thank you, Quidd for sponsoring tonight's episode. Really appreciate it.
# LIAM
Did they win the war?
# SAM
Find out next time! (laughter)
# MATT
All righty, let's see. Do you have any merch updates at all, Laura?
# LAURA
There's stuff in the store!
# MATT
There you go. Perfect. Good, I like it, thank you. The Green Ronin Campaign Guide.
Pre-orders go up on Monday, guys!
# ALL
What!
# LAURA
Oh my god.
# MATT
Yes, and if you get the book and the pdf, I think the pdf is available immediately, so some of you will have access to actually read the book on Monday.
# LAURA
Are you so nervous, Matt?
# MATT
I'm so nervous. (laughs nervously)
# TALIESIN
People can actually, in real time, call us when we're wrong on our own stuff.
# TRAVIS
What do you mean, finally? They do that every week.
# MARISHA
Finally? Although you are Taliesin Jaffe.
# TALIESIN
This is a level of pain I've only dreamed of; I'm very excited.
# LIAM
Hey. We're so proud of you.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, nice job with the words and stuff.
# SAM
Hold on though, we haven't read it yet. What if it's terribly written, by a child?
# LAURA
We'll find out he used crayon. It's all written in marker.
# MATT
Probably. Do you know how hard it is to get crayon printed these days?
# MARISHA
Only if the writers' room dropped the ball.
# MATT
Well, I hope you guys enjoy it, so look forward to that. The podcast is now episodes 11 through 20, right? Up on the Apple Store. So you can go ahead and download those, which are awesome.
# MARISHA
Yep, Apple and Google Play.
# MATT
Yes. And those are the ones. Of course we'll have Talks Machina next Tuesday at 7:00pm about this episode tonight, here on Twitch and Alpha, 7:00pm Pacific, with our fantastic host Brian Foster, so you can check that out. Wednesday Club next week for you?
# TALIESIN
Wednesday Club, we're talking about Comic Con, because Comic Con is coming up, and we're going to try and give you a first-timer's guide to Comic Con: If you've never been to one, what to expect, what to do for fun, and all sorts of things that you could see or do in San Diego.
Other than us. Thank you, I was very proud of last night.
# MATT
We're not having a show next week, we're going to be at Comic Con. Yeah, we have a week off. So we'll miss you guys next week, but we do have our Critical Role panel on Saturday at Comic Con, it's at 10:30am in Room 6...
# TRAVIS
BC... E.
# MATT
It's a nice big room. You guys should come, we're going to have silly questions, Q and A, conversations, stories and a lot of funness and some cool surprises!
# SAM, TALIESIN
Prizes?
# MATT
Surprises!
# MARISHA
Oh yeah, we have some announcements.
# MATT
So hopefully you guys can make it at San Diego Comic Con. If you're going to be there we'd love to see you. And last but not least, Sagas of Sundry: Dread. The third episode went up today.
# MATT, MARISHA
(perfect unison) Shit's getting real.
# MATT
I'm going to marry you.
(laughter)
What's that? Oh that's right, and at GenCon next month we have our live show, we mentioned it last week. Tickets are still on sale for the general admission. We're looking forward to having you guys there, it's Friday evening.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, it's Friday evening, 7:30. In fact, we got an even bigger theatre this year. The last theatre had 1,500 seats, we're like, oh, we'll never get that many people, and it went (explosion sound). It filled up, so we got a 2,500 seat theatre. It's massive, it's a huge party, if you didn't join us last year, you want to come to this mayhem. It's so much fun. You don't need passes to GenCon, by the way, you don't have to have a badge or anything for that, it's a standalone thing.
There are definitely tickets still available, it's going to be super fun.
# SAM
I feel like with that many people we should have beach balls in the audience, and they can do the wave.
# MATT
Inflatable d20s to throw out there...
# MARISHA
(gasps) You can get them. They're on ThinkGeek I think.
# MATT
This is a terrible idea.
# TRAVIS
It's a great idea!
# MATT
Anyway, without further ado, I think that concludes our announcements, and as such, let us dive into tonight's episode of Critical Role.
[dramatic music]
Hello, everyone, and welcome back. So where we left off last time. Vox Machina, having finally encountered the Undying King, returned in physical form in the Shadowfell, did battle and fled, quite unprepared for that venture, and gathered some tidbits of information about what Vecna's plans may be. Upon returning and discovering that your disintegrated Vax has returned through some deal he made with his patron the Raven Queen after disintegrating, you decided to go ahead and try and gather more information about this and beseech some of the higher powers within Exandria. Pike talked to Sarenrae and was given the invitation to come visit her in Elysium on the Island of Renewal, and upon gathering your materials and causing a mess in Vasselheim, you got together and went to meet this fantastic Everlight. On her island, you spoke with her. She gathered some information from you, as Vecna seemed to be blocking at least the influence and vision from a lot of the deities, and then gave her blessing unto Pike, transferring you over to one of the other gods that lives among the Blessed Fields of Elysium: Pelor, the Dawnfather.
You then walked through the orchards that led to the Fortress of the Sun where he resides, spoke with some of the guardians there, and were led into the center of the citadel, where you met, in the central throne room under the Zenith Tower, Pelor himself. Upon exchanging information, you spoke of your need to gather the favor of certain gods in the battles to come, and were given a challenge. To step up to plate: Vex'ahlia. You accepted the challenge and racing to the top of the tower, the zenith, before the fires could be extinguished in the brazier that awaited you, you threw yourself into the fire, and upon the party speaking on what it was that made Vex'ahlia such an important member of not just your team, but your family, and gave you strength, she was imbued with a blessing of the Dawnfather himself. After which, we left off as you exited the front of the Fortress of the Sun, stepped into the central glade that marks the center of the seemingly endless orchards that surround this region, and Vox Machina, what would you like to do?
# TRAVIS
Eat all of the fruit.
# LAURA
No.
# TRAVIS
It was really good. It was just fruit, by the way. Like I said.
# SAM
We're still in heaven right now?
# LAURA
We're still in Elysium.
# TALIESIN
It's not quite heaven.
# TRAVIS
Are there any other gods here that we should curry favor with? For? Of?
# LAURA
Are there any more gods here? Not that we know of.
# SAM
We forgot to ask.
# TRAVIS
Did we?
# LAURA
Yeah. I don't think Ioun is here.
# MATT
You're looking at the series of the Sun Tree cousins, one of which you've met, scattered amongst this glade surrounding the central citadel.
# MARISHA
What a douche.
# SAM
No other people? Guards? Nothing.
# MATT
You have the guards behind you, the large planetar and deva entities that stand there, armored in their golden plate, after ushering you out, are standing guard.
# LAURA
Maybe we can ask them.
# SAM
Sure. I'll go up to one and say, hello there, big fellow.
# MATT
Standing a full ten feet taller than you, practically, the wings slightly bent, the large planar entity kneels down. "Hello."
# SAM
Hello. Vacation Scanlan here. Couple questions. By the way, was he one of the ones who fought in there?
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# SAM
Oh. Do they all look alike? 17 plus one.
# MATT
Hard to tell. You didn't pay a lot of attention.
# SAM
Okay. Hey, just wondering, a few questions.
# A
How does one get out of here? Is there a door to another plane?
# MATT
"I imagine the same way you came in."
# SAM
A god brought us here. All right, cool.
Number two: Are there any other like your Dawnfather around here? Any other gods in the area?
# MATT
"Across Elysium, there are two deities that call it home: the Dawnfather and the Everlight."
# SAM
So we covered our bases. Out of curiosity: What are you called?
# MATT
He looks very closely, and you get sense that part of its nature is scanning through you; it's getting a sense and a read of you as an individual, and it says, "No one you need to worry "about." Stands up and then takes two steps back (heavy footfalls) into place and looks straight ahead.
# MARISHA
Scanlan, you should remember that line, that's a good one.
# SAM
Yeah. I already forgot it. I'm too intimidated. Was it no one or something? I don't know. Well, good speaking to you.
# MATT
Still looks out. Doesn't respond.
# SAM
Well, how do we get out of here? Can she take us home?
# MARISHA
Yeah.
# LIAM
She does on the daily.
# SAM
I know, but I don't know. They talked about some sort of a gate that keeps the gods out and the bad gods in.
# MATT
To remind you of what happened last time.
There was talking about possibly... or at least there was the Trammel, the Prime Trammels that were used previously to seal the Chained Oblivion, Tharizdun, and that the orchestrator, the designer of those was Ioun, the Knowing Goddess. Ioun, however, has sealed herself away, being a wounded god, long recovering, and the only information that Pelor has of where she hid herself, the key, essentially, is not an object but a person. You're seeking an individual, of which you were given a solar light map of a single small home in a forest ravine not far from a place that you've noticed was near the Pools of Wittebak, which is in the Cliffkeep Mountains.
# SAM
Yeah, but there was also a mention of some Divine Gate that keeps people from--
# MATT
Well, the Divine Gate is a known existing entity. It's essentially a large gate that prevents the gods from returning to the Prime Material Plane.
# LIAM
It's like a metaphysical screen door that keeps flies out.
# LAURA
So the gods can't get in and out.
# SAM
Sure, sure.
# MARISHA
Yeah, the Prime Trammel. Which we now have to get--
# LAURA
We have to get near the the Cliffkeep Range, near the Pools of Wittebak, is where we need to go.
# MARISHA
And the Cliffkeep is not too far from Whitestone?
# MATT
Cliffkeep Mountains go across a lot of the northern side of Tal'Dorei, from what you're familiar with. Like, we're talking Kraghammer to Gatshadow to the Jorenn Village. There's a lot of things. It's like a big horizontal mountain range that caps the top part of the continent.
# MARISHA
Do I recognize the city that I can get us to that's close?
# MATT
Fort Daxio or Kraghammer.
# SAM
Haven't been to Kraghammer for a while, although Daxio might be worth a check.
# TALIESIN
What's closest to the pools?
# MATT
Probably Terrah or the Pools of Wittebak.
Those are the two that are closest.
# LAURA
What is Terrah?
# MARISHA
My home.
# MATT
Terrah's not your home.
# MARISHA
Sorry. Sorry, Terrah is the Earth Ashari.
# SAM
My other home, summer home.
# MATT
The home away from home.
# LIAM
Can you also remind me where my Vecdar made me feel Vecna-- where on the Prime Material Plane?
# MATT
Yes. Oh, where?
# LIAM
Yeah, we talked about it, but I can't remember.
# MATT
You did, yes. It seemed to be hundreds of miles northwest of Vasselheim. You didn't sense any movement, but you knew the general direction and distance.
# LIAM
And that was yesterday.
# MATT
Correct.
# LAURA
Teacher?
# MATT
Yes, Laura?
# LAURA
I was excited the last game and somehow have misplaced my Pelor champion piece of paper.
# LIAM
Oh, she doesn't get to have it now. That's how that works.
# LAURA
I don't know how it happened! It's not with my stuffs.
# MATT
That's okay, I remember what it does, and if you decide to use it--
# LAURA
You'll tell me? Okay.
# MATT
I won't tell you. You tell me you want to use it.
# LAURA
Oh shit, okay. I'm sorry. I had it, and it's not here.
# TALIESIN
It's weird how he's so nice and yet it still feels like you are in so much trouble.
# LAURA
I'm in a lot of trouble, you guys.
# LIAM
He's calm, but indifferent. Like the Dawnfather.
# MATT
All right, so what would you like to do?
# TRAVIS
Yeah, what would we like to do?
# MARISHA
Should we go to Terrah? Check in with them, I guess, while we're there?
# TALIESIN
Seems prudent.
# MARISHA
And talk to Pa'tice.
# TRAVIS
Yeah.
# MARISHA
All right. We ready to go?
# TALIESIN
I'm very ready to go. This is lovely and everything, but I've had my fill.
# MARISHA
I will burn my 8th-level spell slot to Plane Shift us to Terrah.
# MATT
To Terrah, all righty.
# MARISHA
Mind the gap.
# TALIESIN
What gap?
# MARISHA
Don't worry about it.
# TRAVIS
No effects from eating that fruit, right?
# MATT
No, you didn't sense any effects from that fruit, at the moment.
# TRAVIS
Didn't remove a curse or anything?
# MATT
No, you didn't. Nothing really caught you up to speed, in that.
# LAURA
Are we by those fruit trees again?
# MATT
There are no fruit-bearing trees directly near you. The Sun Trees are around you. Further in they do, yes. All righty. Bringing up my notes on Terrah, since that's where you're going.
# MARISHA
Yeah, I should probably--
# LAURA
I'm so confused about the order of things.
If we go to Ioun, and we don't have everything we need for this Prime Trammel, are we fucked? I know we need godly power in order to imbue them, right? Or something?
# LIAM
Either here or soon we need to sit and work this out.
# SAM
What do we need to bring into the trammel?
# LAURA
Well, Pelor gave me this. Snap, snap, snap, zip. This. It's a stone and it's supposed to be strong enough to--
# LIAM
Power the trammel?
# LAURA
Part of it? Not all of it.
# MARISHA
We need to collect more, though, right? We have to get like eight or something.
# SAM
Wait, it said that?
# MATT
You weren't given any indication as to how many you needed.
# LAURA
But it did seem like this is not enough.
# MARISHA
Oh no, wait, Ioun was healing for eight centuries. That's where I got that number. Sorry.
# TRAVIS
I could do it, too. Five. Five stones of power.
# MATT
All right, so as you complete your spell, Keyleth, you step through the base of the nearest tree, possibly the same one you spoke with earlier if you want to be a dick about it.
# MARISHA
Oh yeah! Let's walk through that asshole.
That sounds worse for us. But fuck it.
# MATT
All right, you aggressively stampede through the center of this one tree and emerge on the other side from one of the surrounding trees on the Terrah village. There are a number of these pseudo-petrified or dried-out large-trunk trees that seem to have slowly died off from the heavy tectonic shifts and small quakes that happen in this area, that have made a lot of the land unable to support large forms of plant life, or at least the trees that used to exist here. So you step out and emerge from the exterior of the village as it domes down into this small crater that you recall seeing before, where most of the village inhabits the central portion, and the village is there before you.
# MARISHA
What were the shard things called again?
# MATT
The shard things?
# MARISHA
The things we need to collect?
# MATT
There wasn't really a name for them more than they're small pieces of essence of the deity.
# MARISHA
So we need pieces of god.
# LIAM
Does the little seed of light given to my sister look anything like the little seed that Scanlan and Vax saw from riding the shadow creature in the sky?
# MATT
No. In a sense that it's a small source of power of some kind, but what you saw there was maybe about that large on the platform. What she has is bead size.
# LAURA
Is it this size? Or this size?
# MATT
Comparable to each. So you stand outside of Terrah. What are you doing?
# SAM
What time of day is it? How tired are we?
# MATT
Based on when you left, it would still be probably-- well, you were over in Vasselheim, which means it's getting dark, actually. I'd say with the way the sun has passed through the sky now, you've just gotten past dusk. There's still light in the sky, but it's going from oranges to purples to dark blues on the horizon, and you can see hints of firelight, torchlight and candlelight from within the actual city below.
# SAM
Well, what are we going to need on this trip? Maybe we should get whatever supplies we need. Is it far? Are we going to become gas?
# TRAVIS
Are we going underground?
# MARISHA
Oh, to Terrah?
# SAM
No, we'e in Terrah. But the next day, we're going to the--
# TALIESIN
To the pools.
# MARISHA
Do we want to stay the night here, then? I can't mist us right now. I'm tapped out. Camp here.
# LAURA
Vax? Can you sense Vecna? Is he still in the same place?
# LIAM
I can sense him?
# MATT
You can sense him. He is, from your current location, thousands of miles from you.
# LAURA
Oh, hard to tell, then?
# LIAM
He's still really shitty, though.
# MATT
Yeah, very heavy west-northwest direction from you, currently.
# SAM
Well, sleep? Do we need to get any intel on where these pools are? Do we need anything?
# LAURA
We should maybe talk to the people of Terrah? It's not that late.
# MARISHA
Yeah, let's go. They have a spare room for us.
# TRAVIS
Are you the leader of all the people?
# MARISHA
I'm the leader of the Air Ashari and the Voice of the Tempest.
# TRAVIS
Is that a yes or a no? You don't have to fucking brag.
# MARISHA
No, there's four of us, and I'm one of the four.
# SAM
Do you know the one who lives here?
# MARISHA
I do.
# SAM
Then let's go see him or her. Or they.
# MARISHA
No, we can just go, like I was saying five minutes ago. Let's just go.
# MATT
All right. So as you walk down into the village, a number of the guardians step out quickly, seeing an approaching party, however, recognizing Keyleth and her station immediately, turn into an escort that leads you to the center portion of the village.
# MARISHA
I request Pa'tice.
# MATT
Quickly enough, they go and retrieve Pa'tice. You see the elderly form of the leader you've met before step out, the graying hair, the weathered dark skin tones, the long greens and brown leathers that drape off, showing hints of the knees and lower feet, the large walking staff that he carries at his side as he approaches and the headdress that seems to be a combination of thick twines and shale shards that have been woven in, steps forward. "Keyleth. An unexpected visit, "most definitely."
# MARISHA
Kaitiaki.
# MATT
"Kaitiaki."
# MARISHA
Pa'tice, I am so sorry for the late intrusion. We've just gotten back from the plane of Elysium, so we're a little tired. Yeah, we're fighting a god right now, well, more of like a demi-god, so have you heard of Vecna? Sorry, I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Do you have any food? Let's talk over dinner.
# MATT
"We have food, yes. You are guests of Terrah. Please, we will provide whatever you "require. Come, provide them a meal!" And he puts his hand out and they run off quickly.
# TALIESIN
I like that people just feed us. We show up, and there's food.
# SAM
You've been used to that your whole life.
# TALIESIN
Not at home.
# SAM
I have to sing for dinner. You just say--
# TALIESIN
Have you ever tried not singing for dinner?
# SAM
Maybe I'll get more food.
# TALIESIN
You might!
# LIAM
You did have one year-ish where you were on the skids. You did your Prince and the Pauper bit for a little bit.
# TALIESIN
It's a big vague, but yes. I was on a boat for quite a while.
# TRAVIS
Oh my god, can we eat food? (laughter)
# MATT
And quick as that, you guys make your way down. It's a modest meal, but it's a meal nonetheless. Mostly hunted creatures of the local mountainside, some dried beets and root.
# MARISHA
We always try to source locally.
# TALIESIN
Charmingly provincial.
# MATT
(laughs)
# LAURA
Keyleth, perhaps you should let your people know that the world is in danger.
# MARISHA
So the world's in danger, as she said--
# SAM
The waiter is like, what?
# LIAM
Runs out the door.
# MARISHA
Aw shit! I just induced panic.
# MATT
Pa'tice, who's sat down with you, says quickly, "We have been made aware via the other "Ashari that there is some danger possibly coming.
We are awaiting word of what to do other than keep "ourselves in a defensive position. We have to guard the rift, of course. But should there be a "call to action, we'll do what we can. I'm unfamiliar with this Vecna, but whatever you plan, "please be careful."
# MARISHA
(sighs) Okay. More than anything, I think I would want you all to be relief for the surrounding area and surrounding villages if anything disastrous were to happen. I know you have to guard the rift and that is insanely important and especially right now with someone like Vecna who could potentially abuse that. But if anything were to happen, I don't know if you could house extra people during a disaster.
# MATT
"We are quite good at assembling makeshift and temporary lodging. The rock is our friend, if "you will."
# MARISHA
Yeah, that's more, I think, what we would need.
# MATT
"Of course, of course! Not a worry."
# MARISHA
Currently, Vecna is just north of Vasselheim, close to Pyrah.
# MATT
"Have you asked Pyrah for aid, as well?"
# MARISHA
They've also been put on alert, but we have not personally been there yet since this has happened.
# MATT
"Well. Good. They're closer. But we're happy to help if we can."
# MARISHA
Yeah. Thank you.
# LAURA
Things are happening very quickly. We just happened here first.
# MATT
"We're happy to help. Where are you off to?"
# SAM
The Pools of Wittebak.
# MATT
"What brings you towards the Pools of Wittebak?"
# SAM
You know this place?
# MATT
"It is a series of poisoned wells and hulking, stupid giants."
# SAM
Hulking, stupid giants?
# LAURA
Giants? At the pools?
# MATT
"Yes."
# LAURA
I thought it was something about gnomes there.
# MATT
"It was once."
# SAM
They grew.
(laughter)
# LAURA
Is that something you can do, Scanlan?
# SAM
I don't know. (laughs)
# MATT
"They're geothermic large puddles across the mountainside. Various minerals being lifted up "from the deep waters beneath the mountain. Heated, bubbling, boiling, steaming. But the giants moved "in hundreds of years ago, stomped around, and ended up filling the entire subterranean gnomish "city of Wittebak with fumes and poison. Killed most of them, and the rest fled to Kraghammer."
# LIAM
Do you all ever broach the area or do you just stay clear of it?
# MATT
"Best to avoid, we have our own business to deal with. And it's 100 miles from here. It's not "much of an issue."
# TALIESIN
And the pools are naturally poisonous?
# MATT
"Well, some are toxic, some are not, but since the giants moved in and ruptured some of the "natural formations, some of them have grown toxic or acidic, yes."
# MARISHA
Do you know if people still try to live there? We're looking for someone.
# MATT
"If they are, they're foolish."
# MARISHA
Okay.
# TALIESIN
That's our kind of people.
# LAURA
Maybe the person we're looking for is a giant.
# MARISHA
Maybe.
# SAM
Do you know what type of giant? We've seen a few types of giants. Do you know their make and model?
# MATT
"The dumbest. Hill giants."
# LAURA
Hill giants.
# TRAVIS
Yeah.
# MATT
"Easy to outsmart, difficult to outrun.
They'll eat anything, even small little gnomes."
# LAURA
Seems like they ate a lot of them.
# SAM
(laughing) I guess so.
# LAURA
Pasty, I have a question. Do you know anything about Ioun?
# MATT
"I know of the name."
# LAURA
But not much.
# MATT
"We're not the most devoted people."
# LAURA
I know.
# MARISHA
I saw that.
(laughter)
# MATT
"I can't imagine I'd have any information you wouldn't."
# LAURA
Okay. Just checking.
# MATT
"My apologies."
# LAURA
This food is really good.
# MATT
"Yes! Enjoy your meal!" And he gets up and walks away.
# TALIESIN
He was so officious.
# LAURA
I thought we were walking into a fucking lake with gnomes living there. I didn't realize we were going to fight giants.
# TRAVIS
This got so much better all of a sudden.
# TALIESIN
If it were easy, it really wouldn't be us, would it?
# MARISHA
So the question is, is there actually someone of some minor intelligence living there that is this magical key, or did that person get eaten by a giant?
# TALIESIN
I cannot believe I'm about to say this.
I'm inclined to believe the god. They're in the position where trying to trick us out of leaving is not necessary. They could've just told us to leave and be done with it. That information just wouldn't suit them, I don't think.
# MARISHA
I'm not saying it's bad information, I'm just wondering who the key is.
# LAURA
It's possible the key is now inside of a giant's stomach. In which case, it still would be inside of someone. Just a different someone.
# MARISHA
Yeah. Maybe they're still living inside.
Maybe it's like a Moby Dick situation.
# MATT
You do recall the map that was shown to you by the Dawnfather Pelor. It was adjacent to the pools, not actually in the Pools of Wittebak. It was within a forest, and was a home.
# LAURA
Oh! I remember it now! It was a home inside. Oh, I drew a little map of it. Yep, that's it. Yes, it's adjacent to the pools, but there's a home in a forest. Did you like it? That's what my map was.
# MARISHA
Can we theoretically just mist over everywhere?
# LAURA
I mean and look out for a home in the forest? We'll have to fly pretty low. I'm assuming the home is going to be covered by treetop.
# TRAVIS
We never travel traditionally anymore. I'm just saying, I miss the romantic aspects of traveling the countryside. It's like fast forward, immediate gratification, fucking you know.
# SAM
The Dawnfather said we must hurry or else the world will end.
# LAURA
It's very far. We could Misty Step to the forest and then walk in the forest?
# TRAVIS
Why are you fucking talking to me like I'm a child?
# LAURA
No reason, darling.
# TRAVIS
Okay. That would-- okay.
(laughter)
# LIAM
Once this is all done, Grog, you and I will go on a long trek together.
# TRAVIS
Yeah? Yeah. I dig that.
# LAURA
Don't be dark and creepy and make it sound like you're being nice. I know you're being dark and creepy right now.
# TRAVIS
Oh, hey. Don't get after my camping partner like that, all right? Shit. Chill.
# LIAM
Can't predict this one.
# TRAVIS
No marshmallows for this witch.
# MARISHA
It is a little weird to be making promises, though.
# TALIESIN
Well, on that chipper little side note, I think we should turn in for the evening.
# SAM
Yes, do we have lodging?
# MATT
Lodging is provided for you. They have a number of various guest tents and small buildings that provide you with space. Not the highest of quality of places you've slept in, probably, and if you wanted to provide your mansion instead, you're welcome to, but ample food, quiet sleep.
It's a comfortable evening's rest. You all find yourselves through the evening. As you sleep, and having this being the first time many of you have slept in Terrah, it takes you a while. There is just a general low hum or vibration to the ground that you sleep on. You get the sense it's probably proximity to the Rift, but there is this slow, perpetual (rumbling). It's like a weird, low rumble. Like a heavy bass sound that never seems to dissipate that you hadn't noticed until you were trying to quietly sleep. But it's not off-putting and within ten or 15 minutes, it actually almost helps to lull you to rest. You all come to in the morning, gather your supplies, and are preparing for the next leg of your journey.
What do you wish to do?
# TRAVIS
Could I attune, either before I go to sleep or when I wake up, to the Dwarven Thrower instead of the Bloodaxe?
# MATT
You may. All right. Any other attunements, anyone wishes to--
# LIAM
I'll set the Deathwalker's Ward to acid.
# MATT
All right, to acid. Boom.
# LAURA
Before everyone else gets up, can I go find where Vax is sleeping?
# MATT
You may.
# LAURA
This is a tent. What do I do? Do I knock? Do I shake it? I'm not sure. Scratch?
# MATT
They're lodging made from large pieces of shale and rock, jammed into a somewhat triangular pattern to form an earth yurt, if you will.
# LAURA
Oi. Vax. Are you naked?
# LIAM
Yes.
# LAURA
Put some clothes on, then. Jesus. Keyleth, sorry.
# MARISHA
Keyleth opens the shamble door first with a little earth movement. I'm dressed. Yeah. I'm not like that.
# LAURA
You don't sleep naked?
# MARISHA
I'm going to go get coffee.
# LAURA
Okay.
# MATT
(laughs) Keyleth darts off in the distance and the two of you are left within the tent.
# LAURA
Are you decent?
# LIAM
Yes.
# LAURA
I'm coming in.
# LIAM
I'm still naked.
# LAURA
Ugh, come on! So fucking weird. (groans) I turn my back to him.
# LIAM
I start putting on the rest of my armor.
# MATT
Okay. (laughs)
# LAURA
Can I ask you a question? Well, I'm going to.
# LIAM
Of course you can.
# LAURA
I look down at my feet. Why didn't you ever try to take these back?
# LIAM
Well, they're going to be yours, anyway.
# LAURA
Oh, Jesus. You know, the only reason I do things is that I take great joy in irritating you. If you don't show irritation, it makes it not worth it. (sighs) Can I turn around now? I'm turning around.
# LIAM
I am covered.
# LAURA
Good. Why are you so calm? You're so calm and confident now. It's weird.
# LIAM
I mean, I'm on bonus time.
# LAURA
Is he still cold?
# MATT
His skin is colder than a warm body, yes.
# LIAM
But I'm not Bobby Drake, right?
# LAURA
What's his heartbeat like?
# MATT
(very slow heartbeat)
# LAURA
(groans) Jeez!
# TALIESIN
Wow, way to hang onto that one, Matt.
# LIAM
But look. (slashing noise) I mean, look.
# LAURA
Is there blood?
# MATT
Yeah, he bleeds, and it's a pretty open wound. You watch as the wound slowly seals itself up.
# LAURA
(gasping) No fucking way!
# LIAM
Oh, I didn't know it did that.
(laughter)
# LAURA
That's really cool.
# LIAM
Thank you!
# LAURA
Wow.
# LIAM
I don't know, this is the dumbest conversation. This is bonus time. I shouldn't be here. It was the long sleep or come back and help.
# LAURA
So she gave you the option and then you came back and now you're what? Super? Super half-elf?
# LIAM
Well, I'm just following through on a promise made.
# LAURA
And we defeat Vecna and you're done, you're gone. That's it? Instant? Is it like we kill him and you're gone that second or is it like we kill him and you're here for another week or until the Raven Queen realizes that you're still here?
# LIAM
There isn't really a handbook.
# LAURA
She didn't tell you?
# LIAM
When Vecna is destroyed, she will call me back to where I would be right now. I expect everyone-- Keyleth and I have barely spoken-- I expect everyone to be sad, but I wish you wouldn't be so sad, not exorbitantly so, because I--
# LAURA
Exorbitant? That's a good word.
# LIAM
I read. Not as much as some, but I read.
This is the path that I have chosen for myself and I did it based out of desperation, at first. But everyone dies.
# LAURA
I know.
# LIAM
And I think our group has become a little spoiled. We're not your ordinary group of idiots. We have blessings.
# LAURA
We're blessed idiots.
# LIAM
Blessed idiots, yes, and I know that we've gotten used to feeling like we can overcome losing anyone, but your average farmer or seamstress doesn't come back. And everybody dies, and all that matters is what you do with what you have, and I have done a lot, and I've taken great pride watching all that you have done. And I have good friends and I have fallen in love. More than most, I've had.
# LAURA
Yeah. After you die, do you stand by her side?
# LIAM
That I don't really know. I imagine she'll keep me close.
# LAURA
Do you like her now?
# LIAM
Yes.
# LAURA
That's good.
# LIAM
She's necessary and she's of use, and I like that.
# LAURA
She brought you back to us for a while. I like her, too. Anyway, do you want the fucking boots back? Fuck! Yeah, sure, yes, fine, that's fine. I wanted to give them back, so there you go.
I'm glad you asked for them back.
# LIAM
I don't have a lot of time. They really are my favorite thing.
# LAURA
I know.
# LIAM
Physical thing.
# LAURA
Just make sure you write it down somewhere that after you go back to the Raven Queen that your sister is your favorite in the universe.
# LIAM
Dear, every stitch on my body is yours when I am gone.
# LAURA
I don't want every stitch. None of it's worth you leaving.
# LIAM
I slide my feet into the shoes and I wiggle my toes around. Oh, I'm sorry. I also have a confession to make.
# LAURA
What?
# LIAM
I don't exactly have your shoes anymore.
# LAURA
What?!
# LIAM
I think that I left them in the Feywild.
# LAURA
The Feywild?
# LIAM
Yeah, I think I dropped them into a bog. They didn't fit me.
# LAURA
You are a motherfucker. You couldn't have just put them in the Bag of Holding?
# LIAM
I'm still me.
# LAURA
Great, wonderful. I like being barefoot.
# LIAM
You have very cute, small feet that fit in the boots that you gave me that did not fit my feet.
# LAURA
That's great.
# LIAM
There's probably shoes here.
# LAURA
Probably. All right.
# LIAM
I pull out her shoes and I put them down.
# LAURA
Well, at least there's that!
# MATT
Got your shoes back. Keyleth returns with some coffee. The rest of you come to consciousness, and the morning sun is now blaring down over the Cliffkeep. It's a strangely clear sky for the north. While a lot of it is relatively cold usually, you're used to seeing the snow- capped mountaintops-- oh, you found it! There you go.
# TALIESIN
It was with you the whole time.
# LIAM
Must have been inside your shoes.
# LAURA
Oh my gosh! I put it in the safe place and I didn't realize it!
# TRAVIS
Thank you, chat.
# LAURA
Did they really know where I put it?
# TRAVIS
Yeah, they know where your shit is.
# SAM
The chat knew where you put your stuff?
# TRAVIS
"It's in the page in front of your blue divider."
# SAM
No way!
# LAURA
Wow, thank you. Thank you, guys!
# LIAM
How many fingers am I holding up?
# MATT
So bringing it back in, guys.
# SAM
Yes, we have a guest.
# MATT
Yes. At some point. So what do you guys want to do?
# SAM
Set off! For the Pools of Hatabah! (laughter)
# TALIESIN
For the forest near the Pools of--
# SAM
The adjacent to the Pools of Hatafah.
# TRAVIS
We didn't want to bring any extra muscle with us, do we, from these peeps? Oh wait, we're misting a long ways away. Never mind. Sorry.
Forget it.
# LIAM
Grog, you are our extra muscle.
# TRAVIS
See! High five! Up top.
# LIAM
I'm not dead.
# TRAVIS
His hand's cold.
# MATT
So you're traversing via your Wind Walk?
# MARISHA
I guess. Are we wind walking there?
# LAURA
(mispronouncing) Wind.
# MARISHA
(mispronouncing) Wind walk? Wind walking.
# LIAM
(mispronouncing) Wil Wheaton!
# SAM
Hey, before we leave, real quick: Kiki.
# MARISHA
Yes.
# SAM
Can you send messages or anything?
# MARISHA
No, man. We have been through this with our entire group so many times.
# SAM
It's just you're so powerful.
# MARISHA
Thank you.
# SAM
Let's go.
# MARISHA
What do you need?
# SAM
I would send a letter, but it'll take weeks. So forget it. We'll be somewhere close to somewhere with magic soon.
# MARISHA
We can leave it in the hands of the Ashari, see if they can find somebody.
# SAM
You trust these folks?
# MARISHA
Yeah. They're all right.
# TALIESIN, MARISHA
They're not the worst.
# SAM
All right, I'll scribble a little note and say-- well, no, there's no way they can get it to-- it's too far! It's too far!
# TALIESIN
I was really excited to see your face when you handed it to them and they're like, what are we supposed to do with this?
# SAM
Here, I'll show you, Grog.
# TRAVIS
Write it out, bitch!
# SAM
I write, a sphincter says what.
# TRAVIS
A. As. Good message. That's a big word at the front.
# LAURA
You could have gotten the last one, though.
# TRAVIS
What!
# SAM
Yes!
# MATT
Pike taps you on the shoulder and is like, "I'll teach you that later."
# TALIESIN
Thank you for the Ashley Johnson simulator. That was weirdly comforting.
# MATT
Curse you, Blindspot!
# TRAVIS
Yeah! Are we misting?
# SAM
Yeah, let's do it.
# LAURA
Should we eat a feast first, or should we save that?
# TALIESIN
Let's save that.
# LAURA
Okay. I don't know what we're going to find!
# MATT
That's up to you guys. So preparations being done, you gather your materials, Keyleth completes the Wind Walk spell and you all feel yourselves grow slightly lighter on your toes. You concentrate. Over the minute transformation, you turn into your mist forms and take off in what direction?
# MARISHA
Towards the Falafel Pools!
# SAM
We wrote it down.
# TALIESIN
Falafel pool is actually really tasty.
# TRAVIS
Pools of Wittebak.
# LAURA
Yeah! Towards the mountains!
# SAM
He said "which direction?" He did not say "Where are you going?" He said "which direction?"
# LAURA
We got to look at our map.
# MARISHA
We have it on the map!
# LAURA
We have a map!
# MATT
Okay! Well, you have Terrah locked down. The Pools of Wittebak would not be on your specific map that you acquired earlier. You can ask around within Terrah within a brief time and figure it out. Somewhere between 100 and 120 miles, and he points in a specific direction. You mark the sun's traveling and where certain landmarks are.
# MARISHA
I quickly do the math of how fast I can travel and be like okay, it shouldn't take long.
# MATT
It's an eastward direction from where you are.
# TALIESIN
You did actually, legitimately point east, too, which makes that even better.
# MATT
That's weird.
# TALIESIN
Yeah, that is weird.
# MATT
I'm putting points in my nature skill. Or survival, I guess. Anyway, too many editions in my head. (laughs) As you all take off into the morning sky, you begin to rocket over, and you're hitting jets of wind that are beginning to find their way over the mountain ranges, and you get blown a little off-course, but you maintain concentration as best you can in that direction.
Who is leading this venture?
# SAM
I've been there. No, I knew of it, right?
# MATT
You knew of it, yeah.
# SAM
But I don't know exactly where.
# LAURA
After listening to everybody, I'll lead the way. That way, I can keep an eye out for the forest next, too, and the house and all the things we're looking for. I got a good look at the map that Pelor held up in front of us, as well.
# MATT
Right. Okay, cool. I need you to go ahead and make a survival check. Actually, for this, I'm gonna say-- yeah, because it would be tracking in the wilderness. So survival.
# LAURA
Survival? Great. Any advantage on that?
# SAM
Wilderness is your favored terrain.
# MATT
It's mountains, technically.
# LAURA
That's also my favored.
# MATT
Then yeah, roll again.
# TRAVIS
Because that was a one.
# LAURA
Oh! So much better. 28.
# MATT
Okay, that'll do it. Your speed is tremendous when in this form, so what would have been an extended trek on foot over a series of days, it takes you mere hours to eventually get to a point where you crest one heavy peak. On the opposite side, you can see down the cliffside, the edge reaches a slight precipice, and there you can see what looks to be for a mile or so a cluster of dozens and dozens of pools of water of different sizes, all jammed together in a geothermic cluster, where you can see bright greens that move to a deep orange-maroon at the edges from the various mineral deposits that have collected over hundreds and hundreds of years. You can see large columns of smoke and steam of different chemical colors rising out of various large pools, and at a glance down, you can see a number of shapes: a number of hulking, humanoid shapes; somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 to 50 or so scattered at different pools, moving in small clusters or gangs. Some of them are jumping in, cannonballing and swimming through the actual pools. Some of them are lounging around and lying. Some of them appear to be returning, dragging things from the nearby forest on the eastern side of the bank.
# MARISHA
This is a vacation spot. What's that water park nearby?
# LAURA
Wet 'N' Wild?
# MATT
Essentially, for a few hundred years, you get the sense that the Pools of Wittebak have been a hill giant water park. You can see these large mounds of mud and scrap wood and things that have been built into these large hill giant domiciles onto the side of the mountain not far from the pools. It's become a definite hill giant wandering zone. So do you guys continue over the pools, down towards the nearby forest ridge?
# LAURA
Yeah, past the pools.
# MATT
All righty. You come to the forest ridge, and you can see it's not thick forest. The ravine comes down off the precipice where the pools are.
You get a few hundred-- I'd say, actually more than that. A thousand or more feet away from that precipice before plants even begin to grow. It looks like whatever toxic chemicals have burbled up in some of these pools have made a lot of the ground there unable to give any forest life or sustain any large trees. As soon as the forest begins, it's a dense little pocket, maybe a mile and a half, two miles across. That's what you've got. What do you guys want to do?
# LAURA
Oh man. I should try to track any footprints in there and see if there's something around the edges, maybe, that lead back to-- shit, I don't fucking know. It's only a couple of miles.
# MATT
If you guys begin to do a loop-over, who's doing a quick pass over the patch of forest? All right, make a perception check.
# LAURA
It's the forest. Do I get advantage on that one? Perception? What is that, 21? 21.
# TALIESIN
12.
# MATT
Okay. Glancing over, you don't see any major glades or clearings. There doesn't appear to be any sign of bastions of civilization or any sort of logging going on. There's no areas where trees have been cut or cleared. It's a featureless forest top, from what you can see.
# LAURA
Can we fly down lower to where we're in between the trees?
# MATT
You can go down into the forest, if you'd like. All right, who's going into the forest, then?
# MARISHA
I'll go.
# LAURA
I'll go. All of us?
# MATT
So with Pike following suit, you guys all swoop down through the boughs of the trees and into the center of the forest itself. Within there, it's not a super thick canopy; it's not as heavy as the Feywild or some of the recent forests that cluster around Vasselheim. There are breaks in the canopy where you can see the sunbeams come through from the morning sun that's rising up higher and higher in the sky as you've traveled. The mist has burned away in this area, so it's a nice, warm forest. Glancing about, there is a lot of life in here. You can see signs of squirrels. You rush by what was a family of wolverine-like creatures that are rustling by. As soon as the wind scoots in and your mist forms come rocketing past, they all scatter and run off into the shadows. There's a lot of forest ground here to cover. For you to really super track with advantage, you'd have to go into human form. I'd give you a regular roll if you want to try and track in your mist form.
# LAURA
Not so much tracking right now, just a loose passover as we're going, looking for any kind of hunting traps or trails, signs of life of things that have been traversed a lot.
# MATT
I'd say make an investigation check.
# LAURA
27.
# MATT
27. Begin coasting through tree after tree through small, tiny bits of clearing that immediately come into large clusters of trunks and knotted branches that all merge and cluster at different intersections. After about 20 or so minutes of this, trying to do a large spiral around the forest inward, out of the corner of your eye, Vex'ahlia, you glance over and see a quick glimpse of something that appears to be more structured. You look back and rush over and there you see amongst the trees what appears to be a humble-looking two-story home. You see a small balcony built on the second floor that goes over one of the larger rooms in the bottom floor. It's not huge, by any means, and is hidden by a lot of the local brush and trees there. Can't get a lot more detail at this distance, though.
# LAURA
Okay. We land. I land.
# MARISHA
I follow.
# LAURA
And behind a tree, I'm going to take form.
# MATT
You take your form? Okay. So all of you land and follow Vex?
# SAM
Yeah!
# MATT
You all take a minute to go back to your physical forms. You glance over, and there it is, standing before you. It's very shaded in this part of the forest. You can see a little bit of what looks to be interior light, very faint.
# TRAVIS
Like a normal person-sized dwelling?
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# TRAVIS
Natural 20!
# LAURA
Yay!
# MATT
It would be a little small for you, Grog.
But you could walk in it. Proportionally, it looks maybe like it was built for a little bit of a smaller person.
# TRAVIS
Okay.
# LIAM
I want to start eyeballing the ground of the house for any kinds of traps set out. Is that investigation, yeah?
# MATT
That is investigation.
# LIAM
18.
# MATT
18. Okay. So you guys begin to slowly--
# TRAVIS
Wait. Before we do, there are no random nudist giants that have run over in this area, right? There's nobody sees us over here taking off?
# TALIESIN
You're worried about giants streaking?
# TRAVIS
Not particularly.
# TALIESIN
That was very specific.
# TRAVIS
Well, yeah, have you ever seen a giant naked? You'll never forget it.
# TALIESIN
I might. I don't know.
# SAM
Are you suggesting we set up a perimeter?
# TRAVIS
Yeah! I mean, it's a tiny house, I don't really want to go in there. I like having exits I fit through.
# LAURA
I don't want whoever it is to think that we threaten them in any way. But then, if they threaten us, I wouldn't want them to attack us, either.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, I'll just knock the house down from the outside.
# TALIESIN
Let's keep this structure standing for now.
# TRAVIS
I'll stay outside.
# SAM
Are we knocking properly or are we just going to Invisibility in and see who's in there?
# LAURA
I feel like maybe knock properly.
# TALIESIN
If you think long and hard about it, it's not like manners have failed us very often.
# LAURA
Yeah. But do keep an eye out for traps or anything weird on the way up.
# MARISHA
I think we've failed at manners often.
# TALIESIN
We fail at manners more often. We'll see how this goes. We'll try being nice.
# TRAVIS
I'll stay out here.
# SAM
I'll go knock on the door. It seems like a smallish door, right?
# LAURA
Yeah, I'll go with you.
# MATT
Okay, so what's the marching order?
# SAM
I'll go first.
# LIAM
Nothing perked up my spidey-sense?
# MATT
From this current glance, no. You guys are behind a tree at a distance.
# TRAVIS
No nude giants, right?
# MATT
Currently, no, but you're keeping an eye out.
# LAURA
I'm walking with a smile, looking very friendly.
# MATT
Who's leading the charge?
# SAM
I'll go knock.
# LAURA
I'll walk behind Scanlan.
# MATT
We have Scanlan and Vex'ahlia.
# LIAM
I'm going to go, as well, and continue to eyeball for traps.
# TALIESIN
I'll be hanging back a bit, as well.
# MARISHA
I'll be comfortably back, as well.
# SAM
Before we knock, what were we told was in this thing?
# TRAVIS
The key.
# SAM
The key. Inside a person, inside a house.
# LAURA
It's possible the person is the key; we're not sure.
# MATT
Is Trinket within your necklace for this?
# LAURA
No, he's out.
# MATT
Okay, Trinket is out alongside you. Grog?
# LAURA
He's a very friendly bear, look at him!
# TRAVIS
I'm outside the house.
# LAURA
Trinket, smile! Be friendly!
# MATT
As you get across this small walkway towards the front, as you're walking with a big smile, Vex'ahlia, something catches your eye on the ground right before her and you watch as she steps forward. You reach out and grab her wrist and hold her back before she steps down.
# LAURA
What is it?
# MATT
There is a large, rusted, iron bear trap that is open that you almost stepped right into.
# TRAVIS
That would be have been donesies.
# LAURA
I was being friendly, and it almost crushed me. Trinket, be careful, this thing was made for you.
# MATT
Trinket walks up to it.
# LAURA
No, no, be careful! Spit on it!
# MATT
(growling)
# LAURA
Can he spit? Can Trinket spit?
# MATT
(bear spitting) It's not very-- it's more of a power drool, if you will.
# LIAM
Is it easy enough to walk around?
# MATT
You can walk around that one, and you begin to see what looks to be seven other ones that are clustered around.
# TALIESIN
This is probably a giant-infested forest.
# MARISHA
Yes, that's exactly why. Bear traps are the biggest thing you can get for a giant.
# SAM
Can we evade them and get into--
# MATT
You begin to walk around. Yeah, you would, actually. As you step around one, you can see, at the front door, there is a welcome mat that says "welcome." As you're approaching it, you can see the welcome mat, there's just something a little off about it. Like, it's raised higher than the ground should be.
# TRAVIS
Willkommen.
# MARISHA
Trapped?
# LIAM
Well, I could attempt to dicker with it, but we could just knock the door over it if we really are going on manners.
# TALIESIN
Double-check to make sure the door isn't a problem, either. I'd imagine if the welcome mat is.
# LIAM
The door's going to blow up if we knock on it? I mean, we don't have much luck with doors.
# LAURA
Can I grab a stick and lift the edge of the mat up?
# LIAM
Do you want to do that?
# MATT
Are you stopping her from doing that?
# LIAM
Yes, I am! Let me take a look at it, please! I've already detected it. I will attempt to disarm it with thieves' tools, correct?
# MATT
Yes.
# LIAM
That's fine. That is a 29.
# MATT
You walk over. You look and you watch.
There's a small cord that is hidden amongst the brush that runs from underneath the mat through a small ring that goes up from the house, then up a branch or vine, so it's hidden amongst them. You look straight up about 40 feet, you see a nice, solid, thick trunk that is just (creaking).
# TRAVIS
That's some Predator shit!
# MATT
Right above the door.
# TALIESIN
I feel like there's a complicated story that goes along with all of this. I'm really excited by it.
# MARISHA
Is this going to be an Uncharted kind of adventure?
# TALIESIN
We have found the cabin of Macaulay Culkin!
# MATT
So knowing this, you walk over and grab the cord. Looking to see where the leverage is, you motion to Grog to come over and hold it. You find another piece of heavy stone that is by the wall to the side. With Grog's help, you snip it, bring it over, and tie it onto the edge of this piece of the stonework, like a small pole that was placed at the base of the house. It holds the weight of this suspended trunk and it no longer triggers based on the step.
# LIAM
Percy, I'm sorry, I know you like a good Rube Goldberg.
# TALIESIN
I was really excited by this thing. It's a shame to dismantle it.
# LAURA
It's still there. Maybe when we leave, we can crash it down.
# LIAM
Does the door look hinky at all?
# MATT
Make an investigation check.
# MARISHA
You did say kinky, right?
# LIAM
I said hinky. 18.
# MATT
18. It does not appear to be trapped, per se. It does appear to be locked.
# LIAM
Yeah, well, I don't want to pick it.
# LAURA
I want to use a stick, and oh! Here, Scanlan, you were going to knock.
# SAM
(chuckles) What is this stick?
# LAURA
So that you don't have to touch the door in case it's magic.
# MATT
Which as a note, the door, at full height, is about at the shoulders of most of you. You recognize this. This is definitely a homestead built on the scale for probably halfling or gnome.
It's still pretty big for a gnomish home, meaning it's a little more spacious headroom, you'd probably be able to stand in comfortably, except for you, Grog, you're probably a little hunched.
# LIAM
So it's like an ostentatious gnome door.
Little more than is needed.
# SAM
Like me. I'll just rap on the door with my knuckles.
# MATT
Okay. There is an awkward pause.
# SAM
Hello? Bidet?
# MATT
Darin, if you want to go ahead onto the stage, please.
(cheering)
# LAURA
I'm glad he didn't murder us with his bear traps.
# SAM
You need this? Oh, you need this. Oh! I've been goosed.
# LIAM
Hey, chaotic evil necromancer gnome.
# MATT
You weren't supposed to tell them.
# DARIN
I didn't.
# MATT
So you hear amongst your business for the day, out of nowhere (knocking) on the door.
# SAM
Kaitiaki!
# DARIN
I open it.
# MATT
Okay, you hear (clicking) what sounds like six or seven different locks unlock on the door, as it slowly swings open, and before them what do they see?
# DARIN
A very small, elderly gnome, bald on top, with a long white beard, and a bit of a distant look in his eyes, and he looks at you and says, are you real?
# LAURA
I think so.
# DARIN
You're real? Prove it! Say that you're real to my invisible frog companion.
# SAM
I will step forward and say, hello, there.
(whispers) I'm real.
# DARIN
Yes, you're real. There is no invisible frog companion. The voices in my head would not have spoken to that. (stuttering) They know a little bit better than that, but that doesn't matter, I haven't had people here in over 35 years. (laughs) But you're here! And you're real! Go away.
(laughter)
Demistrik, show them out.
# MATT
You watch as two tiny red claws come around the corner as these tiny, impish wings unfurl. You watch as a tiny imp releases from the edge of the doorframe. (wings beating) "Get out!" (door slamming) and slams the door.
# DARIN
And show yourself out, Demistrik. I don't need you here, 19 years of you is more than enough.
# MATT
You hear muffling argument through the door as the voice goes, "I'll stay where I damn please.
"You gave me permission to stay. If anyone is going to leave, you're going to leave!"
# DARIN
I think you should go to Kraghammer and become a circus performer with a little tin cup and a little hat and say, "Oh dear, I am Demistrik, the magical imp." That's where you belong, I tell you right now.
# MATT
"Sounds like a lot more fun than having to deal with you on a daily basis, you son of a--"
# DARIN
(offended cry) Language, imp!
# MATT
The door creaks open once more. "Sorry." (door closing)
# DARIN
The door creaks open again. I'm sorry, as well. (whispering) For him, he's awful.
# LIAM
I stick my foot in!
# DARIN
No! (laughter)
# LIAM
I'm really very sorry to bother you, although I'm delighted to make your acquaintance. I'm having a very hard time not just smiling like an idiot. Could we trouble you just for a few moments? We mean no harm at all. We do need to talk to you. We've come a very long way... as farts. That's got to count for something.
# LAURA
(sing-songy) We could give you some interesting conversation. 35 years is a very long time.
# LIAM
We've done a lot, we've seen a lot, we could tell you all about it.
# SAM
I play an old, traditional gnome song to soften him a bit.
# MATT
Make a performance check.
# LAURA
What is an old gnome song?
# SAM
I don't know.
(laughter)
24.
# MATT
It's been a long time since you've heard music, let alone one that scratches an old memory of childhood. It's nice.
# TALIESIN
It's more or less whatever strikes your fancy, to be fair.
# ALL
(humming Going to the Chapel)
# MATT
You see the imp in the back going, "Ugh! Stop that racket!"
# DARIN
You don't even appreciate music. What would an imp song sound like? You can't say one, can you? Because you don't have music where you're from.
# MATT
"I can, but it'll cause your ears to bleed! It sounds like this." (screeching)
# DARIN
I find that very entertaining.
# MATT
"You're such a liar!" The imp (poof) vanishes before you.
# DARIN
He's gone. Don't worry about him. He gets a little bit... testy, if you will.
# SAM
May we speak? May we have a moment of your time?
# DARIN
Oh, well... Very well. You can come in if you like. Oh! Be careful, there's illusions and thingamabobbers.
# LIAM
(stammers) Sorry, that's infectious. We have a really big guy. Are you all right with him coming in? Grog, are you all right with coming in?
# TRAVIS
How the fuck do I get in that damn door?
# LIAM
Have you not crawled on all fours before?
# TALIESIN
You should try it if you haven't; it's quite delightful.
# TRAVIS
Are you lying?
# TALIESIN
No. For once, no, I'm not.
# TRAVIS
Can I do an insight check on Percy?
# MATT
Sure.
# TRAVIS
19.
# TALIESIN
I have never actually been quite so honest in my entire life. I think you'll find it very therapeutic.
# TRAVIS
I roll in on all fours.
# TALIESIN
How does it feel?
# TRAVIS
I'm waiting for it to kick in.
# TALIESIN
Crawl forward, back a bit, stretch, downward dog, stretch.
# MATT
You watch as this large, gray-skinned mountain of a man crawls his way in. You could duck-walk through if you really wanted to. This is worse than Gandalf in Bag End. All fours is probably the most comfortable means of transport through the house. But you walk in and immediately, you watch as your new gnomish friend is going around and quickly disabling small things, putting small keys and tying off strings and wires you saw that were set up around portions of the room.
# TALIESIN
I am going to try and map this in my head, the crazy stuff I'm seeing right now.
# MATT
This place is a hoarder's den. You see shelves and shelves of books and papers and scrolls and stacks of them. You see on bits of furniture and chairs more stacks of books and sacks and satchels and quills and inkwells. Some spilled and left and dried long ago. This place is very lived-in, very chaotic, and very unique.
# LIAM
The first thing that I do as we come in is I scan the room, or rooms, for more Macaulay Culkin shenanigans.
# MATT
Make an investigation check.
# TALIESIN
Maculkins. I think we can just call them Maculkins now.
# LIAM
That is a 21.
# MATT
Okay. You do see there's one portion of the floor that he keeps avoiding, instinctually, that catches your attention. You're like, "why does he keep walking around that?"
# MARISHA
What's your name, friend?
# DARIN
Oh, well, that was taken from me a very long time ago. I only have what they call me. You know, names are an odd thing, aren't they? Sometimes a name can stick to you like blood on a knife or your fingers on a wallet that might not be your property, and then who you were is not who you are and yet... here we are.
# MARISHA
That oddly made way too much sense.
# SAM
What do they call you?
# DARIN
They call me Sprigg. There's more. They call me Sprigg the Obnoxious.
# SAM
Sprigg the Obnoxious?
# DARIN
Yes. It's not my given name; it was a name that was given to me when it was given to me.
# LIAM
Did you used to be obnoxious? Because I'm not picking that up.
# DARIN
Oh. We're rarely who we used to be.
# TALIESIN
Is there mercury in those pools? (laughter)
# DARIN
Who? Is that a friend of yours?
# TALIESIN
I sometimes will talk to the fourth wall. It's a thing; ignore it.
# DARIN
It's a domicile. There has to be four walls. If there weren't, it would be a yurt. I don't live in a yurt, dear boy.
# MARISHA
I sometimes live in a yurt. They're quite nice.
# DARIN
I have nothing against yurts. (laughs) Like a stick that you would put in a yurt so it wouldn't fall over. I would want it to fall over, therefore, I have nothing against yurts.
(wheezing laughter) Demistrik!
# MATT
The imp just appears across the room and just goes, "Good one. That was-- I am "so sorry."
# LAURA
Pike? Do you think maybe a Greater Restoration is in order?
# MATT
Pike goes, "Why?"
# LAURA
No reason.
# MATT
"Could I just touch your hand for a second? Is that okay?"
# DARIN
(stuttering) Why?
# MATT
"Just to see if we can help your day."
# DARIN
Do you not think that I'm real?
# MATT
"Probably not."
# DARIN
I assure you, I'm real. I'm here. My companions are long gone. They were like you, like you, like you, and you, and you, and I'm all that is left. You are looking into a mirror of your future.
# SAM
I'm going to look like you, or you're going to look like me?
# MARISHA
No, I know what he means. Who were your companions?
# DARIN
Memories. They're all memories now. I don't even remember their names. I remember some of them, but we were heroes and now I am here.
# MARISHA
Oh no.
# LIAM
Were there no other gnome folk in your party?
# DARIN
No, there was one like you, there was a big one, a mighty one. There was one like you, brave and kind.
# LAURA
That's like me! That's exactly like me.
# DARIN
There was one like you. Smart, yet sad. And you, as well. Yeah, and I was you.
# MATT
Pike goes, "Please?" She grabs your hand and concentrates for a second, you watch as the holy symbol flares for a moment and the warmth passes through her arms into your hand. And it feels nice. It's like holding a freshly heated cup of tea. And as the spell completes and she pulls back. "That's all. Thank you."
# DARIN
Thank you, very kind of you. Don't ever do that again.
# MATT
"Right, okay. Okay."
# SAM
Your companions. Not to bring up sad times.
How long ago did they go away? Perish?
# DARIN
37 years.
# SAM
And how, was it in a fight?
# DARIN
Oh, yes.
# SAM
Against a powerful entity?
# DARIN
Oh no. Against ignorance, against bravery that should never have been. And that's why I'm here and they're not, because I ran, you see. I'm your future. You'll all be gone. You and you and you and you and you, and you'll be left.
# LIAM
While listening to all that, Vax slid his hand into Keyleth's and quietly listened to the whole thing.
# DARIN
Oh, well. Perhaps we should talk of other things. Should we?
# SAM
Yes. Yes, we want this to be a positive visit for you, so is there anything we can tell you from the world outside that you might be curious about?
# DARIN
The world outside? Who needs the world outside? I have everything here, and what I need, dear boy, I have taken from Kraghammer. All these books over there, you see, those are mine. They should have been mine to begin with, and I took them, and now they are mine. (wheezing laughter)
# TALIESIN
I'm going to peruse some of these titles, quietly.
# SAM
The books, you mean?
# DARIN
Yes. You'd like to look at the books, would you?
# TALIESIN
I find it's the easiest way to learn quite a bit about a person.
# DARIN
Oh, you're very welcome to look at anything you like. What will you give me, dear boy? I require something. And yet, what do I need, living here? Not much. Intelligence, no. Secrets, no.
Love, no. Sadness, bravery, power. What do you have that you would give me?
# TRAVIS
I reach in the Bag of Holding. I take out Percy's glasses. Would you care for a pair of these testicl-- spectacles?
# DARIN
I seek power, dear boy, not silliness. If I wanted silliness, I would talk to a Sun Tree. No one ever should talk to a Sun Tree, they should only listen to a Sun Tree. And so I shall say again, if you would like to peruse my book and perhaps find what you are looking for, what will you give me that would bring power and redemption into my life?
# SAM
What do you have, Grog?
# LAURA
(whispering) Give him some ale.
# TRAVIS
But that's not fucking power.
# LAURA
You don't know. Bet it's been a while since he's had some of that.
# DARIN
It seems you have powerful items.
# TRAVIS
I do. I have these Bracers of Defense.
# DARIN
Ah, but that is strength. I require power.
# TRAVIS
(softly) Shit. Fuck.
# TALIESIN
Well, I reach into my bag and start cleaning a small green shard of residuum, polishing it.
# DARIN
Demistrik! If you excuse me for a just-- while you look, I'll just talk to my imp. You'll pardon us. (whispering) A word, Demistrik?
# MATT
"Ugh. Just one moment. What?"
# DARIN
The big one worries me. I think we should have a code in case we have to jump him.
# MATT
"What code would you wish?"
# DARIN
Goliath grab! But we need to remember that.
We need to remember that.
# MATT
"Goliath grab. Good luck!"
# DARIN
We need some sort of mnemonic device to remember goliath grab. G, goodness gracious, grab that goliath. O?
# MATT
"O? Huh. I'll tell you what, I've got your back."
# DARIN
I don't feel that at all. You're right in front of me. How could you have my back? (wheezing chuckle) I got you. (laughing) Go away. So what do you have for me? You've had ample time to look in your Bag of Holding to produce something very--
# TRAVIS
Powerful. Well, I do have one thing that seems to be pretty powerful.
# MARISHA
Oh no, Grog.
# TRAVIS
I pull out of the Bag of Holding a small leather case. I open the flap. I don't know if you have any interest in this, but my experience with these items has been very extreme. Would you care to take a card?
# DARIN
Would you care to give them to me?
# SAM
All or just one?
# TRAVIS
No, you can pick a card.
# MATT
Make an arcana check. Roll a d20 and add your arcana skill modifier to it.
# TALIESIN
You are a madman.
# DARIN
15.
# MATT
15. You don't recognize what he's holding in his hands, but you immediately see the leather casing around it, and your essence being able to read certain elements of magic-- It does appear to be a powerful enchantment, whatever he has procured from the bag.
# DARIN
Indeed. Perhaps one card for one book?
# TRAVIS
Yeah, sure. I mean, Percy, do you have a book out of all of these that you want to read?
# DARIN
What are you looking for? What do you seek? What knowledge? I've got it all here.
# SAM
We seek a key.
# LAURA
To find a very ancient goddess--
# DARIN
Oh, don't say Ioun.
# TALIESIN
We're not going to say Ioun.
# DARIN
You just did!
# LIAM
Is there another name that you would like us to use? Like a nickname instead of Ioun?
# DARIN
The Broken Goddess. I know more than Ioun, please! Ioun. Gods, what do they know? We know more than they, for we exist! We live! We adventure! They merely observe. Am I right?
# SAM
You have a point. They don't do much for us in the day-to-day.
# TALIESIN
Are you saying you know more than Ioun?
# DARIN
Of course I know more than Ioun.
# TALIESIN
Can you prove that you know more than Ioun?
# DARIN
Yes.
# TALIESIN
So if I ask you a question that is almost impossible to answer, you could answer it before Ioun could answer it?
# DARIN
Could Ioun create a rock so heavy that even she couldn't lift it?
# TALIESIN
Oh, please. I'm far too clever to ask such a simple question. That's easy. I would have to ask something that was very difficult to answer.
# DARIN
I will give you your answer if you give me a card.
# LIAM
You know, I was just saying what a good idea I thought it was, but I thought you were talking about the entire deck, Grog. I think the entire deck is a fairer thing than to have him pull a card, because that seems unpredictable to me.
# TRAVIS
Yeah, that sounds perfect to me.
# LIAM
We're all in a small, enclosed space together, Grog, and I like this fellow.
# LAURA
Sprigg, it is quite powerful, yes, but also maybe slightly dangerous.
# TALIESIN
A bit dangerous, to be fair.
# DARIN
I'm here alone. Well, there's... oh, yes.
Go peddle your papers somewhere where they'd like papers peddled!
# LAURA
You're not alone at the moment.
# DARIN
That's true!
# LAURA
This is very true. And I'd rather not put my life in the hands of you, not knowing you very well.
# DARIN
Some did. I'm here.
# LAURA
Yes.
# DARIN
They are not.
# LAURA
So something bad could happen, and you'd run away, and we'd be stuck here?
# DARIN
No. 37 years. I ran away. I've been here deciding how to live again, how not to run away.
That's what all this is about, isn't it? You can't just hide from the world. I've done it! Done it for a long, long time. Maybe you being here means that I should hide no longer. Or maybe I just have an invisible frog friend. Maybe I have nothing here, and nothing here.
# TALIESIN
Whoever has devised these contraptions and created this safety for you is a genius. I'm not saying you're necessarily--
# DARIN
It was both of us.
# TALIESIN
I somehow don't think so.
# DARIN
What?
# MATT
"It was all me."
# TALIESIN
I've had my own demons to contend with in my life, to make me doubt my own intelligence.
I get the sense that your compatriot-- I hate to call it friend, here--
# DARIN
I hate to call it friend, and yet I do.
Isn't that right, friend?
# MATT
"Unfortunately."
# TALIESIN
What are you doing here?
# DARIN
You can tell them.
# MATT
"No!"
# DARIN
Just tell him.
# MATT
"No! Why, because he asked me?"
# DARIN
Yes! Be polite. They're guests in our home.
# MATT
"Oh, it's not our home."
# DARIN
19 years you've been here, ever since your master died trying to enter and got tricked into one of my traps, and now you're here-- does that answer your question?-- now, why don't you tell him what I just said?
# MATT
"My master died trying to get in here on one of the traps, and now I call this my home."
# DARIN
Beautifully said. Bravo. You should be a little performer in Kraghammer. You know what the reviews would be? Not very good! Shameful behavior. Abysmal behavior from the Abyss itself!
# TALIESIN
We don't have much. Many of the things that we carry are very dangerous. Obviously, you have a great deal of genius here. I'm going to show him the elemental shard. I don't know if this would interest you, but I consider it to be of great value.
# MATT
So you're showing him the residuum piece?
# TALIESIN
The last piece of residuum I have.
# MATT
All right. So this is a sliver of what looks like green glass. It's finely polished, about that thick, that long. You've read about this. You've read that condensed residuum is very susceptible to enchantment and/or the focusing of short-term magic spells. It's expensive, it's lauded, it's hard to find.
# DARIN
I will use that Ring of Telekinesis to lift it up and take a better look at it.
# MATT
You watch as it darts out of your hand and wisps up, maybe two feet ahead of him, and slowly rotates above him as he inspects it.
# TALIESIN
Impressive, but not as impressive as the giant log.
# DARIN
Oh, yes. But is there power in this, dear boy? Or are there only secrets? For you are secrets. He is power.
# TALIESIN
I may be secrets, and that is of me, but I believe there is power in its secret. People died for that. Many people.
# DARIN
People die every day. Except me. That's my punishment, child. I live on. I live on with my shame and my intelligence and you.
# LAURA
Because of Ioun?
# MARISHA
What's your relationship to her?
# DARIN
What is anyone's relationship to a god?
# MARISHA
Good question.
# LAURA
Some of us are champions. Some of them don't like them. Some of them worship them but don't really get respect. What's yours?
# DARIN
All of that and more.
# LAURA
So you're a champion? Are you a champion of Ioun?
# MARISHA
You're a champion of Ioun. Of course he's a champion of Ioun.
# DARIN
I wouldn't say that.
# TALIESIN
But we might, wouldn't we?
# DARIN
Champion of Ioun?
# MATT
(demonic cackling)
# DARIN
Are you going to start calling me Ioun's Champion?
# MATT
"Only if it bothers you, Ioun's Champion!"
# DARIN
I like it. Drat, eh? Drat. You tell them what you know of Ioun.
# MATT
"She's a heinous bitch who got what's coming to her 800 years ago."
# MARISHA
What?
# DARIN
It's a bit common, but that is his belief.
What is yours? What is your thought about Ioun?
# SAM
We know that she possesses knowledge that could help us in our quest to save the world, and therefore, no matter what her personality is, she is valuable to us.
# DARIN
And yet, is there value in saving the world? Or should you just let it all go away?
# LAURA
No, no, I think we should save it.
# SAM
Yeah, we're pro-world here.
# DARIN
Are you? That is interesting.
# LIAM
Sprigg, you're seeking power.
# DARIN
I seek redemption. There is great power in redemption.
# LIAM
We offer you redemption. Collaborating with us grants you the power to fell a would-be god.
# DARIN
Excuse me. For one second. Can I speak to you for just a second?
# MATT
(flapping wings) "What?"
# DARIN
He's tricky. I think we should get a mnemonic device on what we need to do if he becomes too tricky. We should say, elf boy grab! E! For egads! There's an elf, we should grab him.
L! Let's grab that elf boy.
# MATT
"Right, all right." You guys can hear all of this.
# DARIN
F. Forsooth, I shall grab this elf boy!
# LIAM
I'm not an elf. Not an elf.
# MARISHA
Why do people like calling you elf boy and elf girl?
# LIAM
We have vaguely pointed ears. Not even fully pointed ears. My mother was not an elf.
# DARIN
Just a second. He's not an elf!
# MATT
"We'll stick with the device. I've got your back."
# DARIN
I still don't feel it.
# MATT
"You will."
# DARIN
All right. Hello!
# SAM
Hi. Hi, mirror man. Listen.
# DARIN
All right.
# SAM
Let's cut to the chase here. We need information from you.
# DARIN
Indeed.
# SAM
You need something from us. Grog, give him a card.
# MARISHA
Wait.
# SAM
We're dancing around this! We need this man!
# LAURA
He took the stone! Are you taking the stone?
# SAM
Are you going to take the stone as a source of power? He said it's too mysterious.
# LIAM
I thought we were talking about redemption.
# DARIN
If you'll allow me. You've been very quiet.
# MARISHA
Yes, I'm a little freaked out right now.
You're my worst fear incarnate. Sorry, that seemed very rude. My worst nightmare incarnate.
# DARIN
That didn't make it any better, dear child!
# MATT
(cackling)
# DARIN
(shushing) Go ahead. Why am I your worst fear in a carnation?
# MARISHA
I've seen you in my dreams.
# DARIN
Hear that?
# MATT
"Go get her, tiger."
# LAURA
Trinket starts chasing the imp around the room.
# MATT
"No!" Up into the corner, (hissing). Turns invisible.
# DARIN
Oh, I guess you found that unbearable!
# SAM
That was a good pun.
# MATT
You hear the tiniest little demonic fart by your ear.
# LIAM
I'm also gently steering Trinket away from the floorboard in the middle of the room as he walked by.
# MARISHA
Somehow everything you have said since the minute we've walked into this building has made 100% sense, and I think that's what scares me the most, is I understand everything you've said.
# DARIN
It should scare you the most. I was one of you. I did what you did. 37 years ago, I did it.
And we fought, and we fought, and they were right here. They were right here!
# SAM
Who is they?
# DARIN
My companions.
# SAM
And who were you fighting against? You, we?
# TRAVIS
Vecna.
# DARIN
No.
# SAM
Gods?
# DARIN
It was silly. It was hobgoblins. It should never have happened. It was a simple fight, and they died, and I ran, and I can't even remember their names.
# LIAM
Sprigg.
# DARIN
Yes?
# LIAM
Would you like to be needed again? Maybe it's time to stop running.
# DARIN
What would I do?
# MARISHA
We can grant you power in items, but I don't want to speak for all of us, but I think all of us can speak a little bit to the fact that items don't grant you as much inner power as you expect them to.
# LAURA
Unless they're boots. And then they're amazing.
# MARISHA
Unless they're very highly argued and debated-upon boots, in which case I still think the argument--
# DARIN
Are we about to have a debate about boots? I'm against them! Your turn.
# LAURA
I am for them, usually.
# DARIN
Continue, Councilor, but watch yourself.
# LAURA
Have you any idea where the key to Ioun is?
# DARIN
In the boots? We're talking about boots, are we?
# LAURA
Yes. Boots that hold a key to Ioun's location. Specifically.
# DARIN
I think the key might be here, but I don't really know.
# LIAM
Sprigg, the world is on the brink right now.
It's worse than hobgoblins. We've come here in great need, and the world is in great need, and the power that I offer you is making a difference.
# DARIN
Then make me believe in Ioun. We'll make a difference together.
# LIAM
Make you believe?
# MARISHA
Of course he believes. Believing is not the question.
# DARIN
Books everywhere, you see. That's something you can hold. That's something you can learn.
# MARISHA
That's something that's tangible. Ioun is distant.
# LAURA
But she could be tangible if you'd help us find her.
# MARISHA
What if we have found her? What if Sprigg is right? What if all of the information that Ioun knows is here in Sprigg?
# TALIESIN
I really want to look at these. I want to look at these books really quickly. I'm having a moment. I just want to start looking at these titles. What are these books?
# MATT
You go over and start walking towards the edge of the nearest bookcase, and all of you at once-- everyone but Sprigg, actually-- suddenly hear a voice come through, filling your mind, filling your consciousness, filling your ears.
Sourceless, delivered to your consciousness directly. "Thank you for showing me where he is." And that's where we're going to take a break.
# LIAM
Fuck!
# MARISHA
How? We don't have the eye! What a cock!
# TALIESIN
Oh my god, he's been in the troll dick all along.
# MARISHA
It's always been the troll dick.
# MATT
All right, we'll be in just a minute. We'll be back here in a few minutes, guys. For the Twitch giveaway, we have this awesome Peruvian walnut dice tray, leather interior. It's very nice. It's the same type that I have, actually, back here, which is nice. Giving it away for somebody in the Twitch chat, so run on over, and the code for the evening is Sprigg. S-P-R-I...
# DARIN
G-G.
# MATT
G-G. Double G.
# DARIN
S-P-R-I-G-G spells Sprigg, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to win that valuable prize.
# MATT
So pay attention in the chat. When it's time to, go ahead and enter Sprigg into the chat, and one lucky winner will be announced when we get back here. See you guys in a few minutes! [break]
Hello, everyone, and welcome back. All right, so first and foremost, we have our winner for the dice tray from Wyrmwood. That is our friend k0sn1ght, spelled in the way that you spell your XBox Live name: k0sn1ght. Congratulations, you are the winner. Go ahead and contact Danoba and get your information and we'll get that shipped out to you. Bringing us back in.
# TALIESIN
That was fast.
# MATT
Last we left off, you all, almost all of you, heard a singular familiar voice. The low, gravelly undead voice of The Whispered One fills your minds, saying, "Thank you for showing me "where he is." In that moment where you all pause in place, you hear a series of simultaneous sounds (arrows firing) as a number of heavy crossbow bolts from nearby windows all fire simultaneously at Sprigg.
# MARISHA
Do I have time for a reaction?
# MATT
No, you do not. This is a surprise round.
# LIAM
This is the sound of bolts, no.
# TRAVIS
It's all right, he can't die. It's cool.
We're all right.
# MATT
So that first one is a 24. What's your armor class?
# DARIN
My armor class is 19.
# MATT
Okay! So you take 23 points of piercing damage.
# DARIN
Okay. Oh, there we go.
# MATT
That's 17. That misses you. It strikes your shoulder and glances off. One bolt sinks into your chest and you look down and you see it's this big, long heavy metal bolt and it's jutting out from the side of where your shoulder and pec is.
Another one rushes by and glances off your other shoulder. The third one--
# DARIN
Well, this is different.
# MATT
That hits. That's a 25. That's 23 points of piercing damage.
# TALIESIN
Oh no.
# MATT
That one actually misses; a six and a one.
It slams into one of the nearby books right behind you, barely moving past your cheek. Fifth one, that is a 19 exactly, so you take 24 points of damage.
# LAURA
How many fucking bolts are there?
# MARISHA
24?
# MATT
They're all sneak attack. And that is 20.
# DARIN
Another one?
# MATT
Another one.
# DARIN
Okay.
# MATT
That one's going to be 26 points of piercing damage.
# DARIN
I'm gone.
# MATT
You guys watch as all these bolts (arrows firing and impacting) into Sprigg's body and Sprigg falls back, unconscious on the side of the room. I'm going to bring out a map now.
# DARIN
Fly, you fools!
# MARISHA
(yelling) No, Sprigg!
# SAM
Darin, it was really great having you on.
Thanks so much.
# LAURA
Whoa, cool!
# SAM
Whoa, this is a cute house!
# LAURA
Oh, I can't see inside of it.
# MATT
Moving the top floor off.
# LIAM
There's crates of apples!
# SAM
There's a sack of something in the corner! Oh my god, how are we all going to fit in there?
# MATT
Sprigg is currently unconscious on the ground there. Percival was there talking. Trinket is off to the side.
# LAURA
Trinket! Where's the imp?
# MATT
The imp is not currently visible. Pike would be over on the side here. Keyleth, Vax, where would you guys see yourselves right now? Actually, tell me where you would be. I think that's what I'm trying to ask.
# LIAM
I would be right next to Keyleth because I was holding her hand.
# MATT
As I chuck you onto the ground.
# LIAM
It's all right. It's fine.
# MATT
Yeah, comes back in a day later. All right, cool. So you're there holding that. Scanlan, where would you be?
# SAM
Near Sprigg-ish.
# MATT
All right, so I'll put you right there next to the scroll in the ground.
# LIAM
And Matt? Could you touch on the map where the bad man touched you? No, where the bad floorboard is?
# MATT
Yes, actually, I can do that.
# LIAM
None of you know this.
# MATT
None of you know this, except for you, which is actually why I'm not going to show you. You know how to avoid it, but nobody else knows where it is.
# LAURA
Where is the front door?
# MATT
The front door is right there.
# LIAM
There, over by Grog on your right.
# SAM
These trees need to move.
# LAURA
I know, these trees are a pain in our butts. Oh no.
# SAM
There's cloaked men everywhere
# MATT
You watch as one that was up in the stairs vanishes up top.
# TRAVIS
Oh, he actually made it upstairs?
# MATT
He fired, and then ducked up there. I need everyone to roll initiative.
# SAM
Initiative?
# MATT
Yes. Including you, even though you're on the ground.
# MARISHA
Don't. Fuck. Me. Gil. It's fine. Gil did all right.
# SAM
I don't trust Gil. I never roll on his dice.
# LIAM
Rarely. I have, but I got my Matt Colville meteorite.
# MATT
25 to 20?
# TALIESIN
23.
# LIAM
20.
# TRAVIS
22.
# MATT
Oh wow, so we have Percy, we have Grog, and Vax. Okay, 20 to 15?
# SAM
19.
# LAURA
Should somebody roll for Pike?
# MATT
Yes, actually. Okay, yeah.
# DARIN
Also a 19.
# MATT
Okay.
# TALIESIN
You've got a very low initiative bonus.
# MATT
All righty, anybody else?
# LAURA
13.
# MARISHA
12. I don't know why I did deuces. 12.
# TALIESIN
Peace out.
# SAM
NKOTB.
# MARISHA
12 initiative, Wu Tang out.
# TALIESIN
That's our next shirt.
# SAM
Quidd, everyone. Quidd.
# LAURA
Quidd.
# LIAM
Quid pro quo.
# MATT
All right, so top of the combat round. The surprise round is done, you watch Sprigg fall to the ground, bolts sticking out of the side of the neck, the shoulder, and the body. Unconscious, now beginning to pool blood underneath where he's bleeding out, and you glance around and you see a series of shaded figures in the windows that all dart out of the way.
# MARISHA
Cowards.
# LAURA
Dicks.
# SAM
Oh, they left. The fight's over, everyone.
# MATT
Percy, you're up first.
# TALIESIN
Wow, this is a lot that happened. I'm going to click my boots, and I'm going to run up the wall and run upstairs.
# MATT
Which, for the purposes of this, I will place the upstairs over here. So as you dart up, Percival, you run up the stairway there where the one guy you saw was standing.
# TALIESIN
Is he right there?
# MATT
Yeah, he ducked out of the way, and there's also one figure that you recognize from the Shadowfell earlier. You see one of the ghastly creatures that was darting through the ruins leaping from from rooftop to rooftop. Its skin is grayish and long, its limbs lanky, its fingers curled into claws, and this long tongue dangling from his jaws, it's getting ready to run down the stairs as you charge him, and it goes (growls).
# TALIESIN
Manners! Action Surge!
# MARISHA
Yay, Manners!
# MATT
Okay then.
# MARISHA
We're bad at manners, until now!
# MATT
All righty, so what's the saving throw on that one?
# TALIESIN
It's a DC 20 strength. Oh, I'm sorry, no. Never mind. It's an attack roll.
# MATT
Okay, so you have to roll first to see if you hit it.
# TALIESIN
18.
# MATT
18? Yeah, that definitely hits. It hits, and you watch as you pull the sphere out and chuck it in the direction of the creature. Pulls its claws back, slams into its chest, and then unravels.
It falls to the ground, prone, unable to move, right there in the middle of the floor.
# TALIESIN
Just making sure that I can do this.
# MATT
Was that your action, there, doing that?
# TALIESIN
That was my action surge. I can only do one round. Just seeing if I have anything at a bonus that I can do.
# MATT
You spent your action--?
# TALIESIN
My action, I activated my boots. My action surge activating that. Do I have anything I can do with a bonus action?
# MATT
Not really.
# TALIESIN
I'm going to turn to the other guy and pull the ripcord on the glove angrily. (revving)
# MATT
You load up Diplomacy. Good. That's your turn, Percy. Grog, you're up.
# TRAVIS
Me? Oh? Can I go into a rage?
# MATT
Yes, you may.
# TRAVIS
And he fell where?
# MATT
He fell right there, on the ground, currently bleeding out.
# TRAVIS
Can I run over to Sprigg and shove a-- should I shove a health potion in his throat?
# LAURA
Well, we've got healers.
# TRAVIS
Right. I'll run upstairs to see where Percy went.
# MATT
You rage-run just past Percival and you see there's one creature bound on the ground and there's another guy who's there with his crossbow, he's trying to reload, who sees Percival and is getting ready to pull it up as you leap in front.
# TALIESIN
Smash him!
# TRAVIS
Do you mind?
# TALIESIN
Please!
# TRAVIS
Yeah. (rage noises)
# MATT
Go for it. Roll for a double attack.
# TRAVIS
Reckless! Not Great Weapon Master.
Two-handed with the Dwarven Thrower. That's a lot.
30, minus-- oh, there is no minus. 32.
# MATT
32 hits. Second attack?
# TRAVIS
31.
# MATT
Hits. Go ahead and roll damage for both.
# TRAVIS
So they're not giants. So I just roll a d10. That's a ten. Rage damage. 25.
# MATT
25 damage on the first hit?
# TRAVIS
On the first one. Second one.
# LAURA
24.
# TRAVIS
Yeah.
# MATT
Nice. With your hammer, two hands, whack right across the side of its head. You see the jaw unhinge from the side. As he pulls back, it's hanging loosely there, and the second hit you clock right in the side of the temple, and it nearly goes unconscious, and picks itself up again, gets its crossbow ready. It's still holding. It's not down yet, but it's hurt badly.
You can see now, up close, you can see these figures, they're dressed in very, very tight black leathers, cloaks enshrouding their body, the hood is still up, but you've knocked it back. There you see a human male in his late 40s, early 50s, the head shaved completely bald, a tattoo of black tendrils around the left eye, and the left eye is missing from the socket.
# TRAVIS
Black tendrils? Okay, cool. That's my turn.
# MATT
That's your turn. All right. Grog's done.
Vax, you're up.
# LIAM
Okay, let's talk this out. Click the Boots of Haste. I think, with 120 feet of movement, I can blur up the stairs to where Percy is in probably 50 or 60 feet. And then finish that movement and go past the guy, out the window, with all of my movement in 120 feet or less. Okay, so I'm doing that.
# MATT
There's also a window here, a window here, and a window here. Just so you guys know, and a window here, if you wanted.
# LIAM
Definitely understand. Blur up the stairs, shoot past Percy, shoot past that guy, out the window.
# MATT
You're on the balcony now, looking right about here.
# LIAM
Do I already see those guys?
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# LIAM
19 plus 14 is a hell of a lot.
# MATT
19 plus 14? Yeah, you do see them. And you glance down, you can see they're hiding amongst bushes, and they're specifically stealthed. But you're keen of eye enough to see where they're placed.
# LIAM
I stealth, hide. Bonus action to hide. I'm going to use Luck. That's better. 27.
# MATT
27. Okay. You're not sure if they see you or not.
# LIAM
All right, then from this spot, if they're in range, I'm going to throw Whisper at one of them.
# MATT
Right now, you are currently up here. So you glance off and you can barely see one that's over the edge of the roof right there. That's the only one you can see.
# LIAM
But I can see them and I can ignore three-quarters cover because of Sharpshooter.
# MATT
So you barely see the edge of one there.
Sharpshooter. I'd say yeah, you can. You can hit both, if you want.
# LIAM
So the one that I can see, hidden, I will try to throw Whisper. I'm going to hopefully sneak attack him and bamf there. That is a 28.
# MATT
28. He does not see you. So you have advantage on that if you want to roll again.
# LIAM
Right. Natural 20.
# TALIESIN
Turn him into paste.
# LIAM
Okay. (counting)
# SAM
Did Pike roll?
# MATT
Pike did.
# LAURA
What did she get?
# MATT
11. Typical Pike.
# MARISHA
She's after me.
# LAURA
Well, no, but Sprigg is right after Scanlan.
He's before we are. So I'd rather get him up before.
# LIAM
So that one is 60 on that guy.
# MATT
60 points of damage?
# LIAM
Yes, and I bamf there.
# MATT
As you chuck the dagger, like right towards where the center of the shoulderblades connect in the back he (groans) and you watch as the crossbow that he had drops to the ground and he crumples over on top of it, but he slowly starts getting to his feet out of the bushes. He looks really hurt, but he's still standing. And you appear right next to him there.
# LIAM
So I did movement, I hid for my bonus, I have action-action as a paladin. And action.
# MATT
You have attack-attack as a paladin.
# LIAM
Attack-attack as a paladin. And then my bonus action. That was the first of attack-attack, so now I'll just do a regular attack, which is a 20--
# LAURA
(sarcastically) I'm so glad he got those boots back, I'm just so glad.
# LIAM
30.
# MATT
30 hits.
# LIAM
That is a ten and I'm going to pump him full of poison. He has to make a DC check on 15.
# MATT
That is a seven. No. Four plus three.
# LIAM
So he also gets, that was ten plus 14 total.
20 total, between the dagger and the poison.
# MATT
So the second dagger, you shiv him in the side and he (groans) goes to spin with the heavy crossbow and try and pull away, and as soon as the poison through him he goes, (gurgles) and you can see blood vomit down the front of his chest, his eyes roll back and he twinges and falls to the ground.
# LIAM
And there's another guy there who can see me, right?
# MATT
Yeah, and he's hidden, but he's like (scared, heavy breathing).
# LIAM
Whisper.
# MATT
Okay, he's trying to see that you're not being seen.
# LIAM
That is 31. Yeah, okay. So that is two plus eight is ten, plus psychic damage. 18. I'm going to bamf there with Whisper.
# MATT
Okay. All righty. You hit him and you stand there. You're right in front of him now. All righty. That ends your go. As you appear over on the other side, you realize that over in the clearing there, there is another one of the robed figures, this one clutching a long, black, smooth staff that crooks over in the front that looks like a hand holding an eye.
# MARISHA
What? Where? Who? There were more of them!
# LIAM
But you guys don't know that yet.
# MATT
You guys don't know that yet, just him.
Ending your turn, Vax. That guy on the ground is going to try and break free. That is a 17. DC 20?
# TALIESIN
DC 20.
# MATT
It struggles on the ground and can't seem to break free of the current magic manacles that hold it in place.
# TALIESIN
Yeah, he's stuck. I love that we have floors!
# MATT
Another one of these darts through the window, leaps across the way, right in front of Sprigg, and you being right there, Scanlan, goes, (angry hissing) and lashes out at you.
# MARISHA
He's going for Sprigg!
# TALIESIN
He's going for Scanlan.
# MARISHA
But because Scanlan's over Sprigg!
# TALIESIN
Oh, that's fair.
# MATT
Makes two claw strikes at you. First one is 16 to hit.
# SAM
Yes.
# MATT
All right. You suffer eight points of slashing damage, and I need you make a constitution saving throw.
# SAM
Oh boy. Not great. 16.
# MATT
16, okay.
# SAM
Is it magical?
# MATT
No, it is not magical, but you feel this pulse of some sort of necrotic disease hit your system, and you just manage to shrug it off.
(relieved cheering)
The other claw comes towards you.
That's a natural 20.
# SAM
Natural 20 to hit, sure.
# MATT
That is 30 points of slashing damage on the second hit. Make another saving throw, please.
# SAM
That's 17.
# MATT
17. The second strike hits you and you feel as the side of your torso gets torn out of the side, the blood splatters onto Sprigg, who's already bloodied and now there's gnome blood on gnome blood. As you reach for your side, however, it does not take effect; you manage to shrug off.
# TRAVIS
Those are constitution saving throws?
# MATT
Yeah. That ends the shadow ghast's turn.
Sprigg, I need you to make a death saving throw, please. Roll a d20.
# LIAM, MARISHA
Come on, Sprigg!
# DARIN
14.
# MATT
Okay, so you're okay for now. You're stabilizing. You're not bleeding out, yet. Mark a success on your death saving throws there.
Scanlan, what are you doing?
# SAM
I am going to, bonus action-- down here, success, one.
# MATT
Actually, before he even does that, what are you doing on your turn?
# SAM
I'm going to heal him first.
# MATT
That roll wouldn't matter because he may heal you before you come up. Don't worry about it.
# SAM
I'll bonus action Healing Word him, 2nd-level. I will sing to him. I'll do a little line dance right in front of him and I'll say: (singing) I'll heal your heart, your achy breaky heart. I just don't think you'll understand. That if I heal your heart, your achy breaky heart, you got to wake up and kill a man!
# ALL
Ooh!
# DARIN
(singing) If only you had used Mage Hand!
# SAM
Nice!
# MATT
So how much does he heal?
# SAM
Seven plus six. 13.
# MATT
You heal 13 hit points. That roll doesn't matter. You hear this echoing song in the back of your head. The second song today you've heard from your childhood. You come to consciousness. You wake up and look around you and you can see him singing to you as this giant horrible necrotic creature is looming right in front of you. You have metal bolts sticking out of your chest and an old sensation you haven't felt in a long time courses through your body, which is the need to survive.
# SAM
It's my turn still.
# MATT
It's both of your turns at the same time.
# SAM
I will hold my turn.
# MATT
What are you going to do?
# SAM
Dimension Door, but I'm holding until either Pike or Keyleth heals him more. And I will also say to him, old man, do you have some fight left in you?
# DARIN
I hope so.
# SAM
Hold that thought for one second.
# DARIN
Holding.
# MATT
So what are you doing?
# DARIN
There's a bookcase, is there not?
# MATT
There's bookcases here, bookcase there.
There's books strewn and clustered in these corners.
# DARIN
I'd like to, if I could, use the Ring of Telekinesis to pull a bookcase down upon an attacker.
# MATT
Okay. Currently there's a bunch of books up here on a shelf, you can pull them down on him if you'd like.
# DARIN
I would like to do that.
# MATT
So from the ground, you yank a bunch of heavy tomes off of this large shelf that goes flying towards this creature. I'm going to make this a dexterity saving throw for it.
# MARISHA
The pen is mightier than the bookcase security!
# MATT
What's the DC on the telekinesis ring?
# DARIN
Where was it? Ring of Telekinesis.
# MATT
I'll pull it up here real fast. Looking up magical items really fast. I have it here. Oh, it's for the spell Telekinesis? That's right.
What's your spell DC?
# DARIN
17.
# MATT
17. No, that's a failure. So for this, go ahead and roll 3d6.
# SAM
He failed, or the guy failed?
# MATT
The guy failed. He didn't dodge out of the way. He's like, (confused snarling, book impacts) and gets pummeled from behind by a bunch of tomes, books, and random glass baubles that were on the shelf that shatter against the back of its head.
# DARIN
We have a six, we have a five, and we have a two. 13.
# MATT
Then add your intelligence modifier.
# DARIN
My intelligence modifier is a four.
# MATT
17, nice! 17 points of damage to that one.
As you slam it in the back of the head (impacts) and it doubles over and (snarling), its long tongue slashing around. You're still on the ground, and it's over you. Is there anything else you want to do on your turn?
# DARIN
Demistrik?!
# MATT
You hear nothing.
# TALIESIN
Not cool.
# DARIN
Can I cast something?
# MATT
That is an action to do that, so if you have a bonus action spell, you could do that.
# DARIN
I believe I do. Tasha's Hideous Laughter?
# MATT
I believe that's an action to cast, unfortunately.
# DARIN
I don't think we have any bonus actions.
Oh, are there any healing potions that I can use my Telekinesis to get a healing potion to me?
# MATT
You can do that next round. The attack was your one action. You can stand on your feet, if you'd like to.
# DARIN
No, I'm gonna stay right here.
# MATT
Got it. That ends your turn. Now, these guys go again.
# LAURA
That's good, they're at disadvantage, now, to hit you. They are! Because you're prone.
# MATT
This guy's going to move in. This guy is still standing and is going to drop the crossbow and pull out his shortsword. Is going to go ahead and attack you, Grog, first. That is 13?
# TRAVIS
Misses.
# MATT
And a 27.
# TRAVIS
That does hit.
# MATT
You take five plus four, that's nine points of slashing damage, reduced to five, yeah. Round down, so it's four. Struck twice, missed both. Both of these guys are going to fire at-- one of them's going to fire at Sprigg on this end because it's their goal, here. With disadvantage, that is a 16? What's your AC again?
# DARIN
My AC is 19.
# MATT
19, yeah. It darts over you. It misses, it hits the side of the wall. The other guy's going to strike again with disadvantage. That's a 14.
And you see the other guy pulling back with a crossbow and fire. You roll out of the way and it (arrow vibrating) into the wooden flooring right next to you.
# DARIN
Are there any traps that they hit?
# MATT
No. That one is going to attack you, Vax, because you're right there in front of it. That's going to be a 13. Does not hit. Second strike, another 13. Both of its shortsword attacks, you duck out of the way and dodge, moving around very quickly. All righty. Those two right there, one of them is going to, because it saw that you got up, Scanlan, they're going to fire two bolts directly at you. That is a 16 to hit?
# SAM
That hits.
# MATT
Okay, and the second one is a 24.
# SAM
Everything hits.
# MATT
You are currently in base-to-base with one of their companions, so they both get sneak attack on you. 19 points of piercing damage from the first hit. 24 points of piercing damage from the second hit. And then they both duck around the side here.
# SAM
What was the second one? 24.
# MATT
They both, we'll say, they vanish from sight. You're not quite sure where they are right now. Those two also duck out of sight, not quite sure where they are, either. That ends their go.
Now, the guy in the back right there, who noticed Vax show up, is going to, after you slaughter one of the guys, and stab the other one, is going to angrily go ahead and use Blight on you. Can you go ahead an make a constitution saving throw, please?
# LIAM
Natural 20. You fucking dick, necro guy!
# MATT
All righty. That does half the damage.
# LIAM
It's still a lot.
# TALIESIN
I feel like a natural 20 should auto-fail this.
# LAURA
I know, right?
# MATT
21 points of necrotic damage to you.
# LIAM
All righty.
# MATT
And is going to-- four, five, six. All righty. That ends his turn. Vex, you're up.
# LAURA
I'm going to run over to the window that those guys disappeared from.
# MATT
Over this way or this way?
# LAURA
Right there, yeah. Can I see that motherfucker? Did I see him run past the window?
# MATT
You know what? Yes, because he was not stealthing. You watch as he darts by, and you would have a shot, yeah.
# LAURA
All right, then I'm going to shoot at him.
I'm going to Hunter's Mark him!
# MATT
All righty, look at that!
# LAURA
Trinket doesn't have enough movement to get over by him, does he?
# MATT
No, but Trinket can attack whatever's in your area, too.
# LAURA
I'm going to attack him with my Bramble Shot. With the Blazing Bowstring. Ooh, yeah.
That's a 31.
# MATT
31? That hits!
# LAURA
Yes! Okay! Do I get sneak attack on him? I don't, do I?
# MATT
No.
# LAURA
Damn! At least I got Hunter's Mark. Okay.
# LIAM
Hey Matt, I realized. I never shot out the wings, so I shouldn't have had as much movement as I did, so I think we should take the damage back from my last attack.
# MATT
(counting). 50 to get up to the top there, so at your double speed, you'd be at 60, threw the dagger and threw the dagger. You're fine. It still works out.
# LAURA
Okay, 28 plus my 4d8 piercing damage.
That's balls.
# MATT
You're on deck, Keyleth, just so you know.
# LAURA
Seven, nine, plus nine is 37. 37 points of damage.
# MATT
The first arrow hits him in the stomach, doubles forward and pulls back. Now, glancing over, saw you rush up and couldn't get out in time and now is going to try and back up as you're taking the second shot.
# LAURA
Does he roll a DC of over 17? A strength save?
# MATT
Rolls a natural 17. Literally. Strength save? Minus one strength modifier.
(cheering)
Oh, silly necromancer. You and your strength of nine. All right, so he is currently entangled in the brambles as the vines wrap around and pull him in, almost near the tree. You see the staff is pulled close to his chest.
# LAURA
Nice. Then I am going to shoot him. Oh, wait! I didn't add my Blazing Bowstring damage.
Eight more for the Blazing Bowstring. And then I'm going to shoot him again. I'm just asking: do you get sneak attack damage if they're restrained?
# MATT
You do, yeah. You can do that. You have advantage on the attack, remember, because he's restrained.
# LAURA
That's okay. Eight plus 14 is what? 32?
# MATT
Yeah, that hits.
# LAURA
Oh gosh! Okay! Ten, 11, 12, 13, plus sneak attack. 13. What's that? Ten. So 23. And then Hunter's Mark. Plus one. 24.
# MATT
24. Nice. The second arrow hits right in the throat, and you can see it doesn't hit anything vital, but you can see blood's starting to pour out. It's one of those things that if he were to pull it out, it would probably be very bad. But he's leaving it in right now. He's looking pretty rough.
# TRAVIS
The necromancer is?
# MATT
Yeah. All righty. That ends your turn? Keyleth, your turn.
# LAURA
I'm going to step away from the window.
# MATT
Okay. Step away from the window.
# LAURA
No, against the wall.
# MATT
Against the wall there? You push the table back a bit; book almost falls off the top. What's Trinket doing?
# LAURA
Trinket is going to run over to Sprigg and Scanlan.
# MATT
Up to Scanlan, or the guy who's there?
# LAURA
Just to the guy.
# MATT
Okay.
# LAURA
Just try to growl at him and scare him because he can't attack him.
# TALIESIN
He's technically now engaged with the bear, so if he walks away, the bear gets an attack of opportunity.
# MATT
That's true. That ends your turn. Trinket goes (roars) right in front of the creature.
Keyleth, what are you doing?
# MARISHA
Okay. In my weird, emotional panic, Keyleth is going to turn and look around and she sees Vex firing a bow and Sprigg down on the floor, and she's upset, and she's just going to scream at the top of her lungs and do a Fire Storm around the building. Just (screams) and then I'm going to go (boof) where I think people might be in my rage.
# MATT
Okay! So around the building where?
# MARISHA
Around the building. Sorry, Vax. I don't really know you're there, but around here and around here, and I'm sure I see Vex shooting at things, right? I'm going to try and go around.
# MATT
So you have right here.
# MARISHA
Here, around, and that way.
# MATT
All right. Okay, because you didn't see Vax outside.
# MARISHA
No. He's getting hit.
# MATT
You saw Vax run upstairs.
# MARISHA
I just know there were people shooting through this window and through this window, so I'm doing a perimeter around.
# MATT
How many squares is it? Ten, right?
# MARISHA
Ten ten-by-tens.
# MATT
These two here get caught in it, as well as Vax and that guy there.
# LAURA
What about the magician guy?
# MATT
If she's doing a perimeter? No.
# LAURA
Did you know that I was shooting at somebody?
# MATT
She doesn't see the magician. Doesn't know where it is. "The Magician." The Prestige!
# LIAM
I have evasion.
# MATT
Which means it's either half or nothing.
# LIAM
Right. At advantage because of the boots.
What do I have to match?
# MATT
Her DC, which is 21, right?
# MARISHA
21.
# MATT
Dexterity saving throw.
# LIAM
Oh yeah, way higher than that. We're good.
# MATT
Yeah, you take no damage. You duck out of the Fire Storm just in time for it to (raging fire).
# MARISHA
I need two more d10s.
# LIAM
Yeah, dexterity save, man. Area effect.
# TALIESIN
Smoky d10 and spiky d10. And you get rerolls!
# MARISHA
I reroll ones. None of these are ones, unfortunately. (counting)
# DARIN
I just noticed the little lanterns glowing.
Bravo!
# MATT
Oh! Bravo to Dwarven Forge, man.
# SAM
Well, it's your house.
# MATT
True. Good torches you have in there.
# TRAVIS
Way to be energy-conscious with those LEDs!
# MARISHA
39 fire damage.
# MATT
39 damage. This guy incinerates. He screams and burns. He manages to dodge partway out, but even the partial damage burns him and he (screams). You see him run off into the forest ten or so steps, on fire, like a stun man shot in a movie before he (impact) on the ground and smolders there in the distance. Those guys take it. What was the amount again?
# MARISHA
39, and they're on fire.
# TALIESIN
It's hard to stealth when you're on fire.
# MATT
They're both on fire.
# MARISHA
So that was my action. I'm going to do that out of my staff as I slam it down. I'm going to look at Sprigg and say: gods damn it, Sprigg! And I'm going to use that as my Healing Word, and I'm going to cast Healing Word at second level. Which is 2d4. 11 points to you. And then I'm going to use my free action that I have to turn into a fire elemental.
# MATT
Your free action?
# MARISHA
Changing into something's not a bonus, it's a free action to change into my beast shape.
Circle of the Moon, bitch!
# SAM
Did you just call your fiancé--
# TRAVIS
-- a bitch?
# MARISHA
No! Combat wild shape.
# MATT
Combat Wild Shape makes it a bonus action, as opposed to an action. That's the difference.
# LIAM
I would like to retract my "bitch," please.
# MARISHA
All right, so I'm just Keyleth.
# MATT
Does that end your turn? All right, so as Keyleth's turn ends, it comes to Pike's. The entire exterior perimeter of this part of the house is on fire. Flames are now starting to catch. It is dry wood; the entire building is made from wood of the forest, so your home is now in flames.
# MARISHA
Wait, hang on. No, I'm doing the perimeter. I did think about this, which is why I didn't attack the guy in the house.
# TRAVIS
If you napalm the forest, the trees will probably catch fire.
# LIAM
It's a quick jump, though.
# MATT
In order to do the perimeter, it's not a blazing inferno, but it's starting to catch.
Flames are starting to lick up the sides.
# LIAM
End it quick, we can save it.
# MATT
Fire Storm's a dangerous spell.
# LAURA
Let's try to save those books before they all burn.
# SAM
He's an old guy. We were either going to kill him or burn his house down.
# MATT
It's Vox Machina's MO, man!
# SAM
It was always going to end this way.
# TALIESIN
Things you own end up owning you.
# DARIN
So glad I wore a jacket.
# MATT
Pike is going to rush forward and is also going to attempt to Healing Word you at level two.
It's a heal fountain on you. That is six plus five. That's 11 hit points you heal.
# SAM
As soon as she does that, I grab him and we Dimension Door out the house.
# MATT
Where do you Dimension Door?
# SAM
To the only place I know: front of the house.
Outside the front door. Not right outside, but towards the edge of the map there.
# MATT
Over here?
# SAM
Yeah, anywhere around there, on approach to the house.
# TRAVIS
Or do you want to be more over yonder?
# SAM
Where's the front door to the house?
# MARISHA
Right there.
# SAM
So I'd be 20 feet, the way we approached to the house. So where you got it, if that's the way we approached.
# MATT
You guys approached this direction. So you're there. Make a perception check, Scanlan.
# SAM
Okay. Ten.
# MATT
Okay. You don't see the two hidden fellows over here. You see something large and hulking moving through the forest this direction, at a quick glance.
# SAM
Is it naked?
# MATT
No.
# TALIESIN
Then we're going to be okay.
# MATT
You guys have pulled out of that house.
You're still on the ground and all of a sudden your body physically shifts, and you're looking up at the trees. You glance around and you can see the back of your house, you can hear the frantic fray going on. You see the necromancer who's currently covered in brambles and held in place. You see a couple of guys on fire, on the side screaming on the side of the house, and your house starting to catch fire. That's okay. Pike, on her turn, is going to--
# MARISHA
Keyleth has anger issues. It's fine.
# MATT
Because it's a single target...
# SAM
It's the "This is fine" meme, except it's just Keyleth.
# MATT
She's going to cast a level five Guiding Bolt because that's what Pike does. So ranged spell attack against that guy. 11 plus-- yeah, that hits. That's a 21. So that is 8d6 radiant damage.
Nice. 19.
# LAURA
Is she doing it to the magician?
# MATT
No, this guy right there, in the room.
# SAM
He's an illusionist, Laura.
# TRAVIS
Is she doing it against Copperfield? Is David Blaine with them?
# MATT
So after she heals Sprigg, and Sprigg vanishes, she grabs her holy symbol and goes, "Chill out!" and shoots this giant flashing beam of divine energy that slams into it. You watch as a lot of its flesh burns away from the impact.
It's still standing, but it's a shining beacon.
The next attack against it has advantage. And then Pike's going to back up with you, Vex, towards the back where the bookcase is and goes, "You smell something?" You now hear, simultaneously, (slow thudding) and watch as the side wall and the back wall explode inward, as splinters of wood and stone (crashing) comes from this wall here--
# LAURA
Oh no, all of his stuff!
# MARISHA
So I didn't destroy your house first.
# LIAM
Flames! Flames, less of a thing.
# TALIESIN
On the side of the house.
# LIAM
Flames on the side of the house!
# MATT
Two familiar hulking entities come barrelling into the chamber. Remember those giant things you saw walking through the Shadowfell that you barely avoided with the mask?
# MARISHA
The censer?
# MATT
Who has the censer? Not on you right now.
You don't carry a fucking giant smoking censer with you!
# LAURA
Oh, really? I didn't realize it was that big.
# TALIESIN
I think at that point, I think we put it in the Bag of Holding.
# SAM
But you did make a bunch of those herbs.
# MARISHA
I do have the herbs.
# SAM
And there's a shit-ton of shit on fire right now.
# MATT
They burst through. (roaring) This big yell echoes through their metal masks. It sounds like this horrible-- imagine a giant vocal scream that's peaking on the audio level against a tinny metallic speaker.
# LIAM
(Bane voice) Your punishment will be more severe!
# MATT
Essentially. This one's going to go after Keyleth. This one's going to make two swipes at Trinket because Trinket's right there. As they barrel through, part of the roof breaks. Guys up top, Percy and Grog, you feel the ground buckle a little bit below you and you drop about two or three inches as the building is starting to lose its physical frame.
# TALIESIN
Oh god, Grog, what did Keyleth do?
# TRAVIS
Thanks, Keyleth. You beat me by one second!
# TALIESIN
I'm well aware. It was totally worth it.
# MARISHA
#thanksKeyleth.
# MATT
That's one's going to go ahead and do two slam attacks against Keyleth.
# MARISHA
Yeah, I've earned it. Come on!
# MATT
That's 23 to hit.
# MARISHA
Yeah, that hits.
# MATT
And that's a 29 to hit.
# MARISHA
Yeah.
# MATT
That's 20 points of bludgeoning damage from the first hit. And the second one is 30 points of bludgeoning damage. (two slams) And it slams you.
The second fist actually pins you up against the wall there, and you feel ribs crack inside your chest and now-- they're both down low in this hulking mass. They're almost wider than they are any other dimension with how they're crouched down and the thickness of their body. They're taking up almost the entirety of the room right now.
# MARISHA
You said 30 points, right?
# MATT
Yes, for the second one.
# MARISHA
So I'm at 83 points.
# MATT
Correct. The other one's going to slam twice into Trinket. Giant fists. That's going to be a 28.
# LAURA
28 hits.
# MATT
And a 22.
# LAURA
22 hits.
# MATT
That is five plus six. 11 points of bludgeoning damage to Trinket.
# LAURA
Halved.
# MATT
Halved, correct. And 22 points of bludgeoning damage, halved.
# LAURA
Okay, so 11 plus six is 27 points.
# MATT
That ends their go. We're at the top of the round. Percy, you're upstairs.
# TALIESIN
Okay, this all happened. That's awkward.
That's okay, I know where I am. I'm going to run out onto the balcony really quick.
# MARISHA
There's room over here.
# TRAVIS
That guy's still up there with us, right?
# TALIESIN
Yeah. I figure you're going to handle him. Grog, take care of these two. What do I see outside on the balcony?
# MATT
You see, currently down below-- make a perception check. Actually, you wouldn't even see them from your perspective.
# TALIESIN
I just rolled a natural 20.
# MATT
Right, it's blocking your vision from this side. You do see Scanlan, you see Sprigg who is currently conscious, you see this necromancer who is currently held with brambles, and you see two streaking flames and hear screams on this side of the building.
# TALIESIN
Weird question, really quickly. Where is that giant log trap?
# MATT
Right there.
# TALIESIN
How much swing does it have? Is it locked all the way over here, or is it hung back there?
# MATT
It looks more like a drop.
# TALIESIN
Oh, so it's a drop on the door. Good to know. In the meantime, I'm going to run on the exterior of the wall, like right over here, if that makes sense. That's going to be my movement.
I'm going to take some fun, happy pot shots at these bastards.
# LAURA
At the necromancer?
# TALIESIN
At the necromancer! Let's start with that bound necromancer. He's fun.
# LIAM
With the Vecna eye.
# TALIESIN
With the Vecna eye. He's bound, so I have advantage to hit him?
# MATT
Yes, you do.
# TALIESIN
All right, I'm going to use my Animus gun so I still have a hand open, and I'm also going to burn a point of grit so that I can get him to drop his staff. Here we go with advantage.
Oh darn, it was so close. 28.
# MATT
That hits.
# TALIESIN
That's-- ooh! Fancy. 18 points of damage, four points of psychic damage, and he has to make a strength saving throw or drops his items.
# MATT
Oh, don't worry, he drops the staff, because there's not much left of his head. When you hit the arm, the staff's clutching, but you slam it and it hits the side of the head and causes the right side of the face to explode against the tree, the brambles still clutching as it falls limp to the ground, and they crush the body into a small rock of flesh.
# TALIESIN
That'll do.
# MARISHA
You get a grit point back, right?
# LAURA
You get a grit point back, you get a grit point back!
# MATT
You just barely see them; they have three-quarters cover. But you have sharpshooter.
# TALIESIN
Three-quarters cover, what does that mean in this crazy world? I'm going to burn a grit for advantage and shoot one of them.
# MATT
The one right furthest on the side there?
# TALIESIN
Yeah. I'll start there. Let's give it a shot. I love advantage; it's so wonderful. 32. I really should have done extra damage. So that's 1d10 plus six. That hits, obviously. 32 to hit?
# MATT
Yeah, that hits. Goodbye, necromancer.
# TALIESIN
17 points of damage plus two points of psychic damage.
# MATT
How much was that, sorry?
# TALIESIN
17 points of damage plus two points of psychic damage.
# MATT
Okay. All right, he's still standing.
(bullet impact, yelps) He starts looking up to see where the shot came from as the giant bullet wound through the torso and out the back of the shoulder was clean through. You hear him breathing, gasping for breath. (gasping)
# TALIESIN
I'm going to take another shot at him.
I'm going to make this a sharpshooter shot, and again with advantage because that's fun. Here we go. Damn! Almost a crit. That's 29. That hits.
# MATT
That hits, yeah. Go ahead and roll damage.
# TALIESIN
14 points of damage-- I'm sorry, 24 points of damage plus two points of psychic damage.
# MATT
He falls to the ground, face first. The second shot hits him in the chest. He just goes down, crumples. His body begins to smolder.
# TALIESIN
I use my bonus action to reload and stare at the nice person below me.
# MATT
That ends Percival's turn. Grog, you're up.
You hear, downstairs, the (heavy thudding).
There's the guy in front of you who's like, (angry breathing). What are you going to do?
# TRAVIS
Can I smash my Titanstone Knuckles together and cast Enlarge on myself?
# MATT
You can! And your head goes into the roof! (thudding)
# MARISHA
We're real sorry about your house.
# DARIN
It wasn't a house. It was a prison.
# LAURA
Well, then you're welcome.
# TRAVIS
I'm hoping the floor gives.
# MATT
The floor gives out. As your head (crashing) into the ceiling (creaking, crashing) it falls out from under you. You come falling down on top of this guy. Rubble falls around. Keyleth, I need you to make a dexterity saving throw. I need Trinket to make a dexterity saving throw. The other shadow ghast fails.
# MARISHA
Nine.
# LAURA
14.
# MATT
Trinket, you, and the shadow ghast all take 22 points of bludgeoning damage as the roof caves in over on top. Large part of the upper floor now falls and this guy stumbles and is now prone there. He also takes damage. You take 22 points of bludgeoning damage from falling through the wreckage. Trinket's is halved, yes.
# MARISHA
Ugh, debris, ugh!
# MATT
That kills him. The shadow ghast right here.
# TRAVIS
Because he had barely any left.
# MATT
Yeah. He's like, "Huh?" (crashing) Gets rained on with rubble, broken, splintered wood and stone.
# TRAVIS
The guy in Manners, he fell too, right?
# MATT
His part of the ceiling didn't fully collapse. He's just out of the way. He's dangling off the edge right now, as he shakes, it's making its way towards the hole. The whole ceiling didn't collapse, just the area right below.
# TRAVIS
Beautiful. Can I take Tweedledee to my right and make two reckless attacks against him? They're not giants, right?
# MATT
No, they're not giants. They're considered undead.
# TRAVIS
They're considered undead. 30 to hit. And the second one.
# MATT
Big targets.
# TRAVIS
29.
# MATT
Hits.
# TRAVIS
So ten. 24 points. Plus the Enlarge-- 25.
# MATT
25 with the first hit. (whack)
# TRAVIS
22 with the second one.
# MATT
22 damage on the second hit. (whacks) You're hitting him. Laying on its back, it has these metal spikes jamming out of its flesh. You can see portions of other creatures that it had slain that have been jammed on these spikes and rotted away on its armor. So as you're hitting it, you're knocking away parts of partially decomposed creatures that previously fell in battle to one of these creatures. As you're slamming into it, you can see it's just rippling, partially decayed muscle that seems to be unnaturally strengthened by whatever necrotic energy keeps it stitched together and alive. It's a thick sack of hit points.
# TRAVIS
Wow. Cool. Good to know.
# MATT
Is that your turn; are you doing anything else?
# TRAVIS
That's interesting. I'm going to go into a frenzied rage as my bonus action.
# MATT
Okay, and that's the end of your turn? Okay.
End of Grog's turn. Vax, you're up. You heard all this go on and now the whole building is starting to catch fire.
# LIAM
I'm going to bolt to that window.
# MATT
Right there?
# LIAM
No, other way. So I have a view of Keyleth, the creature, and Grog. I'm going to throw Whisper-- I've got sharpshooter-- at that thing, and bamf there.
# MATT
I will say, at proximity to the flames that are starting to catch, you do take three points of fire damage.
# LIAM
Fine.
# MATT
You threw the dagger at the big guy?
# LIAM
Whisper goes to the window at that guy there.
# MATT
Go ahead and roll an attack.
# LIAM
And it's flanking, right? Because of where Grog is, or Keyleth?
# MATT
It's not flanking, but you get to add sneak attack modifier.
# LIAM
Okay. Yeah, that's fine. That's 32.
# MATT
Yeah, that hits. So you appear next to it.
# LIAM
Three plus psychic damage is four plus this junk. (counting) 33, doubled to 66 plus psychic damage is 74. Bamf there.
# MATT
And you appear next to it. As the dagger sinks into its torso, you watch as its chest muscles and the iron cage-like armor around it seems to swallow the dagger. As it goes inside, you watch as some of the muscles all of a sudden (squelch) fall off of its body, like whatever energy's holding it together is untethered and this weird, fleshy, stitched-together creature is starting to fall apart. It's looking pretty hurt.
# LIAM
Okay, so here's what I wanted to do. So movement-- and I have action-action, action, action-- action-action, action, bonus action.
# TRAVIS, LAURA, MARISHA
(repeating) Action, action--
# LIAM
Guys, it's the rules in the book! You can bust my balls all you want--
# MATT
Well, that's your first attack, so you have your second attack.
# LIAM
So action-action for my regular attack, right?
# MATT
Attack-attack!
# LIAM
It's just semantics. Attack-attack, hasted action, bonus action. So that was the first of my attack-attacks. And here's the second one.
# MATT
Okay.
# LIAM
30.
# MATT
Well, we have dagger, dagger, dagger. Now we have attack, attack, attack, attack, attack, attack as our next t-shirt.
(laughter)
# LIAM
I'm dumping a level two Smite into this, against an undead. That's seven, 10, 11. Ooh, it's cocked. 17 for that hit.
# MATT
17 with the additional--?
# LIAM
With attack-attack.
# MATT
Right. Well, but you said you dumped Divine Smite into that?
# LIAM
Into that one.
# MATT
You did the additional damage for it being undead? Okay, so that was how much total?
# LIAM
Whatever I just said. It was like 16.
# TRAVIS
17.
# MATT
17. 17 will do it, actually. So as you rush in with the second dagger, you jam up into the same space where it's falling apart, and you hear this dull (shockwave sound) on the inside as the divine energy radiates from the strike and its body (slurping) sloughs off of the bones and around your arm. It slowly falls around your arm like old gelatin and (slurping) slips into the ground, covering the floor around you.
# LIAM
Okay, I'm going to do the old crouch. Not that she needs it, but crouch in front of Keyleth.
And then I have my hasted action for an attack and bonus action for an attack into the other one.
29, and the second one is higher than 29. I'm going to dump Smite into it. Three-- you're making me mess up the math, Laura!
# LAURA
Psychic damage.
# LIAM
(laughing) I can't keep track of the math!
# MATT
(singing) Epic-level DND!
# LIAM
25 on that towards that guy, with Smite added. And then the last dagger, with Smite, at level one, is two plus is 10, 14, 19.
# MATT
19, okay.
# LIAM
I dumped a ton of Smite into that.
# MATT
You didn't add your modifier to the third strike, right?
# LIAM
I don't know, so why don't you just minus six? 19, so we'll call it 13. Some people might have been catcalling me while I was trying to do math.
# MATT
That's okay. No worries. You hit with the two final strikes. They blast into it. You watch as some of the armor gets thrown off its body. It takes a little hit, but the other creature looks like it's largely all right. That finishes Vax's turn.
# LIAM
Let me enjoy my last two months of life!
# MATT
Shadow ghast. What's the DC on the sphere again?
# SAM
20.
# MATT
Is it 20? 19. He can't escape from this freaking sphere. The shadow ghast is up on the second floor going (growling). Manners, man. All right. Scanlan and Sprigg, what do you guys want to do?
# DARIN
I have a question. The gentleman who had an arrow in his throat: he's gone, right? He's been blown apart.
# MATT
Yeah. Actually, make a perception check.
# DARIN
Okay. That's a d20, isn't it?
# MATT
Yep, d20 and then add your perception modifier.
# DARIN
Got it. That's a 17.
# MATT
A 17, okay. You glance over and you see two guys who are hiding amongst the bushes on the side there.
# DARIN
Now, it's too far away to cast a spell.
# MATT
No, depending on the spell's range, depending on what you want to do.
# DARIN
Tasha's Hideous Laughter.
# MATT
That we can do.
# MARISHA
That's such a good spell.
# MATT
It's a fun one. So bringing up Tasha's here, looking at the range. There we go. It's a 30-feet range, so you want to get up and get a little closer, probably.
# DARIN
I will do that, if I could.
# MATT
All right, so that's half your movement, and you can move two more spaces. You can hit one guy.
So one guy of these two you can select.
# DARIN
The first one.
# MATT
That one there? All righty.
# DARIN
Yes. I think his name is Dave? Roll a perception?
# MATT
Make a saving throw, a wisdom save. That is a ten! Your spell DC is a 17. You watch as the guy there who has his crossbow out and sees you get up, spins around, has this giant, heavy crossbow, the bolt very recognizable because you still have three of them in your body. Aims it towards you and then suddenly (maniacal laughter) and drops the crossbow to the ground and doubles over laughing, falling to the ground and is now kicking and laughing like a hyena right now, unable to do anything.
# DARIN
Knock knock!
# MATT
(maniacal laughter)
# DARIN
Right! (laughter)
# MATT
All right, is that your turn?
# DARIN
Yes, it is.
# MATT
All right.
# SAM
There's another guy over there? Have I seen him yet?
# MATT
You haven't, actually. You do see this guy's on fire right now, who is still around.
# SAM
Oh, I see somebody.
# MATT
Yeah, and you can see that hulking figure come running through, and you hear the (explosion) through the back of the building.
# SAM
For the beginning of the round, I'll say, guys, I think large giants are coming. Be aware.
# LAURA, TRAVIS
(screaming)
# SAM
What? I can't hear you! Speak clearly!
# LIAM
Threepio! Where could he be?!
# SAM
Okay. Shit. I'll approach the guy I can see burning, on fire. That's where the front door is, right? Is he in front of the front door?
# MATT
The log is right up in this area.
# SAM
Oh yeah. That. So I'll take out my Wand of Magic Missiles, and I will just take down the rope.
# MATT
Okay. You watch as three missiles fire out of the wand and slam into the bits of rope up top.
As they explode, it's enough of an impact to cause it, as opposed to fall straight down, just spin and fall. I'm going to go ahead and roll a dice to see which direction it's going to land from its front point. So we'll say inward would be one, two, three, four, five, six. That's a six. So it plummets down, hits the ceiling, scrapes off and slams down onto him. He's going to try and make a dexterity saving throw. That is a seven plus four, nope. That's an 11. Go ahead and roll 4d8 please.
# LAURA
4d8?
# DARIN
Is this Dr. Comedy, who's writhing in laughter?
# MATT
I think so. Oh. No, sorry, he's over here.
This guy's on fire from her earlier.
# SAM
Oh, that's a five. 16.
# MATT
16 points of damage to him.
# SAM
That's not a lot.
# LAURA
You only got 16 on 4d8?
# MATT
It's not enough to kill him, but it slams on him and then falls over. You see as both of his flaming hands on the ground going, (groans). He's currently restrained underneath it right there, and on fire.
# DARIN
Knock knock.
(laughter)
# MATT
All right, you going to stay where you are?
# SAM
No. I'm going to move towards any entrance or window I see. I can't really see over there.
# MATT
There's a window here, window here. This one has flames in front of it. This one's available.
# SAM
I'll go towards that [no audio] other one.
# MATT
Okay. Four, five. That's as far as you can move there. You see the guy on the ground who's laughing in front of you.
# SAM
Yeah, no thanks to him. And for a bonus, I guess I will inspire Darin De Paul, or rather, Sprigg.
# LIAM
Why not both?
# SAM
I will sing to him, (singing) You had a bad day, you gettin' knocked down. I sing you a song just to turn it around! You say you don't know, but please don't die. I'll sing you this song and maybe you'll go for a ride. You had a bad day.
(speaking) I don't know how that song goes.
# MATT
All righty, so you get an inspiration die.
You get a d12 that you can use on any sort of skill. You don't have to use it right now, but whenever you use a skill check or an ability check you can add that to it if you want to. There you go.
# DARIN
Thank you. You know, I had a bad day.
# SAM
(singing) You had a bad day.
(groaning and laughing)
# MATT
All right, so now it's the assassin's turn.
Keyleth, how much fire damage does it do when they're on fire? Is it d10?
# MARISHA
(stuttering) Oh jeez. Fire Storm. Yeah, no. d10.
# MATT
Thought so. All right, he takes eight fire damage.
# TALIESIN
Yay! Under a log.
# MATT
Under a log. He's going to try and break free from restraint. Nope, that is a 14. He cannot move that giant tree that's currently crushing him on the ground. He tries to reach out for his crossbow and aim it out towards Sprigg with one hand because it's still loaded. But he has super disadvantage on this strike.
# SAM
Super disadvantage. Is that in the book?
# MATT
It is now.
# LAURA
That's in the new campaign guide. Super disadvantage. Only when you're stuck under a tree on fire.
# MATT
Sure, I'll do all three. All right. Eight, 12, 12. I made him roll super disadvantage. What does this remind me of? Like a terrible old sci-fi movie where the bad guy's on the ground with the gun trying to aim it at the hero with his final shot and the hero just walks up and steps on the gun. You (whoosh) sidestep the bolt as it fires.
Nothing on you.
# DARIN
Of course.
# MATT
The crossbow drops, (grunting).
# DARIN
Knock knock.
# MATT
(crying) On fire. All righty, that ends his turn.
# DARIN
(whispering) Comedy comes in threes.
# MATT
This guy back here is going to go ahead and since you're the one who has his friend writhing on the ground, is going to go ahead and try to shoot you with his crossbow. You do see him, although he's unaware of that, so he thinks it's a sneak attack shot. That is a 14.
# TALIESIN
You got to get better cultists, man.
# MATT
I know, seriously. They come in large numbers, so yeah. This one just (impact sound) hits the tree to your left. His aim's off.
# TRAVIS
He's missing an eye. His depth perception sucks.
# MATT
Exactly. And he goes ahead and darts behind this building there, vanishing.
# SAM
Did I see the bolt or any indication that he exists?
# MATT
You do. He reveals himself when he fires. So you watched him come out of the bushes and (whoosh) fire and then duck around the side of the building. The guy on the ground is going to try and save against your spell. That is a 13 plus zero. Nope. He's still laughing. He's just on the ground, (laughing). Tears in his eyes now.
# TALIESIN
I love that spell.
# MATT
That's the end of the assassins' turn.
Necro's dead. Vex, you're up.
# LAURA
I'm going to Hunter's Mark the big undead monster in the room. And then I'm going to shoot him! With the Blazing Bowstring!
# TALIESIN
Be careful. You might catch the building on fire.
# LAURA
Oh, but I'm going to use the sharpshooter thing.
# MATT
Take minus five and do additional damage? Okay.
# LAURA
Which I don't know if I should have done that on this particular one. It was 17 to hit.
# MATT
17 is exactly his armor class.
# LIAM
Yas, Pelor queen! (laughter)
# LAURA
Five plus eight is 13. Plus sneak attack, because he's got Trinket next to him. 13, 18, 23, sorry! 23 and then lightning damage. 24. 25, 26.
And then Blazing Bowstring. God dang! 27.
# MATT
Okay, 27. So that's your first strike.
(arrow shot) First one just (impact sound) hits in the side and you see the bolt of energy arc out and the flames burn up the arrow. By the way, the wall behind you is starting to get really warm.
# LAURA
I'm going to move forward. I'm going to actually move toward the corner where Keyleth is.
# MATT
There's a guy on the ground there.
# LAURA
Oh, there is?
# MATT
Yeah. So you've got to step over him.
# LAURA
I'm going to step on him.
# MATT
As you move past, he does get a swing with his shortsword at you. Oh, wow. That's a 25.
# LAURA
Oh, wow. He hits me. Probably because I stepped on him.
# MATT
I think so. So you take nine points of slashing damage. Just like, (pain sound) as you're walking past.
# LAURA
(pain sound) Fuck. Ah, shit. Okay, I'm going to hit the big hulking thing again.
# MATT
I realized he had disadvantage, but I rolled another 18, so it's fine.
# LAURA
Oh, okay, well, yeah. I'm going to do the same thing with the big hulking guy.
# MATT
Okay.
# LAURA
25 to hit.
# MATT
25 hits.
# LAURA
Oh, I didn't add plus ten to the previous one!
# MATT
Because of the sharpshooter, all right. 39 last time. So go ahead and take a swing at it.
# LAURA
Thanks! 14.
# MATT
You're up next, Keyleth.
# LAURA
14 plus six is 20.
# SAM
Figure out how you're going to ruin Darin's life more.
# MARISHA
I know. That's my one goal in life. I'm a big old homewrecker.
# LAURA
I think that's just 32 because I don't get sneak attack again.
# MATT
All right. So the second arrow slams into him. It's still holding firm. It's taking the hits and you see parts of its body are starting to spill black liquid out of the wounds and (growls) its red eyes still beaming out from behind the metal mask in front of its face. Its arm swings back and tears some of the ceiling beams out with it. It's looking pretty rickety right now. So that ends your turn?
# LAURA
I guess so.
# MARISHA
Is it in a fireproof safe? No? Okay!
# MATT
Keyleth, you're up.
# MARISHA
All right. So I have this big asshole in front of me, yeah? The house is catching on fire, right? Yeah. Nope, she'd still be really upset and really angry. So continuing what I was saying before, she's gonna rage a little bit more and go into her fire elemental self.
# MATT
Okay.
# MARISHA
Unable to contain her frustration--
# TALIESIN
This is a good plan.
# MATT
You technically entered the space of the guy who's on the ground, becoming a fire elemental, which lights him on fire. (screams)
# MARISHA
Even more upset. I'm gonna move right in the space of this guy.
# MATT
(whoosh) So occupying his space from this side, we'll say. She can catch you guys on fire.
# LAURA
But she doesn't have to.
# MATT
I'll double-check that real fast.
# MARISHA
I mean, I'm magical.
# TALIESIN
Sparkle fire.
# MARISHA
I sparkle fire.
# LIAM
Also, we can take it.
# TALIESIN
Yeah, it's fire.
# MATT
You know what? It can move through a space as narrow as one inch wide, so I'll say yes, you can maneuver through. Only if you want to, can you set things on fire.
# MARISHA
I'm going to go into this guy's space, engulf in flames, and do my multi-attack, two slam touch attacks.
# MATT
Go for it. He is now in flames.
# MARISHA
That's cocked. Ooh, that's good, that's good. 21.
# MATT
21, yeah.
# MARISHA
And 16.
# MATT
16 just misses.
# MARISHA
Fucking balls. Okay. No, plus six to 11.
That's 17.
# MATT
That hits. That's what you needed.
# MARISHA
So both of those hit. 2d6 plus three.
First one is eight. Plus ten. 18 fire damage.
# MATT
He's looking pretty hurt. As you slam him with both of your flaming hands and claw across his body, where the flame hits, you see it (hissing) singes through the flesh and drags charred remains of where the muscle once was where you dragged your claws through. The body's starting to shake as it's holding its form together.
# MARISHA
That's all I've got, I think. That's it.
# SAM
No. You have action, action, action, action, action.
(laughter)
# MARISHA, TALIESIN
Bonus action.
# LAURA
Hasted action.
# LIAM
Send all your complaints to Mike Mearls and Chris Perkins at Wizards of the Coast.
# SAM
Matt, not to be a dick, but has anyone stepped on the trap on the floor?
# MATT
Actually, you know what, Vax would have avoided it. Because Vax is in the spot where it was, but Vax knew where it was, so Vax would have probably gone over it.
# SAM
So cool. You're doing the little splits over it.
# LIAM
Splitsing. Van Damme-ing it.
# MATT
Wait, you wouldn't have, because when you threw the dagger--
# LIAM
Let's do it.
# MATT
It's not a big deal. Thank you for pointing that out.
# SAM
But your boots are gone.
# LIAM
She stole them again? How did you do it?
# MATT
You guys glance upward as you hear a (deep swoosh) and up above you in the hole in the ceiling where there once was nothing but air, you see hovering above you a giant beholder just appear. (guttural moan) All of its eyestalks curling around it.
# MARISHA
What do you mean, it's not a big deal? That's the part that I'm confused about!
# MATT
Thank you for that. So that finishes your turn, Keyleth. Pike's turn. Pike sees this--
# LIAM
If we're retconning that in, I'm retconning (blows raspberry) when I see it.
# DARIN
Don't get Gargamel angry.
# MARISHA
Does that mean that Keyleth would have seen the beholder beforehand? You know what, don't worry about it.
# MATT
No. You were so angry-- it's in the hole above. You don't quite see where that hole was at the moment, you backed away.
# MARISHA
Man, so much blind rage.
# MATT
So much blind rage. Look guys, that's what we're doing. So anyway, Pike does actually make an insight check, and says, "It's not real. Don't worry about it!"
# LAURA
Thanks, Pike.
# MATT
Fixed.
(laughter)
# LAURA
It's not a big deal, you guys.
# MATT
Pike, however, is going to go ahead and make another Guiding Bolt at the large guy there.
That's going to be a 20. That hits. That's going to be 4d6. 14 points of radiant damage, which will do it. So you watch as Pike blasts it in the face with the Guiding Bolt. As it hits, the mask gets thrown off, and where the head was beneath it, you see this empty black void with two red burning coals for eyes that blink out as soon as the mask is removed, and the whole body crumples to the ground and turns into a horrible, thick, black-purple ichor.
# LAURA
I'm going to have nightmares about that.
# SAM
For sure.
# MATT
The beholder is still upstairs, staying in place going (hoarse screaming).
(laughter)
Yeah, it's that kind of thing.
# TALIESIN
Brilliant.
# MATT
That ends Pike's turn. They're both dead.
That brings us back. Percival, it's your turn.
There's the one guy on the ground there. One's laughing. We'll say for the purposes of this, for the time, most everything there is not much of a threat at this point. So systematically, the guy on the ground who's hidden by the tree, you can just--
# TALIESIN
I'm ignoring him. I'm not even gonna deal. I'm just hopping in the window. I'm going to grab my little guy there. I'm going to bring him out to the balcony, and I'm going to unceremoniously toss him out of the house.
# SAM
Defenestrated!
# MATT
You throw him (thud). He lands.
# TALIESIN
And then I'm going to jump and I'm going to crawl down the rest of my way and join him outside the house. And try and jump around the fire, dragging him away from the fire.
# MATT
Make an athletics check. Sorry, acrobatics check.
# TALIESIN
Acrobatics? Bless you for an acrobatics check. I'm rerolling that.
# MATT
No, it's not a saving throw. You can't do that.
# TALIESIN
It's not a saving throw. Oh well, that's fine. That's a 16.
# MATT
I'll say for the purposes of this--
# TALIESIN
I had the Spider Climb boots.
# MATT
Right, I know. But Spider Climb boots only helps you if you keep on the surface. So as you leap, you manage to land on your feet, but the flames do catch you a bit, so you take six points of fire damage as you start to burn. For the purposes of time on this one, the guy who's currently under the log just burns to death there under the log. Pinned, he's trying to reach for his crossbow, but he's only fired the one bolt that was loaded in it. The guy on the ground is still laughing as you approach him.
# DARIN
Are there any rocks about?
# MATT
Yeah, there's quite a few heavier rocks on the ground.
# DARIN
Well, I look at him, and I say, "It was a prison, but it was my prison." And I use the Telekinesis ring to lift a rock and drop it on his head.
# MATT
(splat) A horrible sickening crack sound. It slams into the head. You lift it up. The laughing has stopped, but he's still moving and you can see the face is broken. The nose is smashed to the side and it's just blood. He's starting to try and get back up.
# DARIN
Well, tell them that Ethred Brokenbranch sends his regards.
# MATT
Do you let him get up?
# DARIN
Yes.
# MATT
He gets up. (grunting)
# SAM
I'll Lightning Bolt him as he runs away.
# MATT
Okay, we'll say for the purposes of this, he runs off in the distance (footsteps, yelp) and falls to the ground, no longer moving.
# TRAVIS
Can I kill the guy on the floor? Can he be mine, please? Can I please smash him? The guy that's lying on the floor in the house, please?
# TALIESIN
Just sit on him.
# TRAVIS
I haven't Gallaghered anybody in a while.
# MATT
He's on the ground on fire now, going (frantic gasps) patting out the fire.
# LAURA
Oh, Grog, put him out!
# MATT
He spends his action putting the fire out now, and is like, (frantic gasps).
# MARISHA
Keyleth takes a few steps back and motions as a fire elemental...
# TRAVIS
I skip on in and (gibberish yell).
# MATT
He's like, (scream, impact). Just smashed on the ground. Red watermelon.
# LAURA
Fire's out, I'm assuming.
# MARISHA
I drop my fire form, turn, see my anger, destruction, get immediately guilty, and then do a Tidal Wave to quell the flames.
# MATT
The building is standing, mostly. The whole front of it is blackened. The flames are gone.
Most of the interior is destroyed. You have two giant holes in the back. Most of the upper ceiling is ruined. The house is in shambles.
# LAURA
What about the books?
# MATT
A lot of them have been destroyed. Some of the ones on the back wall have been burned. Some of them have been burned by people in flames or made of flame or general black ichor that spilled out. The house is pretty wrecked.
# LAURA
Can I go over to them and see if I can find some books I think Percy would like?
# MATT
Make an investigation check.
# SAM
I'm running over to see that staff with an eye in it.
# LAURA
27.
# MATT
27? Okay. You start glancing through. You find some history books. You find some that relate to local history. You see some books that relate to various types of creatures; some animals and beasts. Many that are encyclopedias of various rivers and it's scattered everywhere. It's just universal knowledge of pretty much anything he can get his hands on. So some of it seems less useful than others but you hand-pick a few out that you think Percy would like.
# TRAVIS
I don't mean to ask the obvious question, but how did he know we were here?
# TALIESIN
No, that's not an obvious question. I have no idea.
# MARISHA
They have multiple eyes.
# LAURA
But how? Was he watching us? Is he scrying on us?
# TALIESIN
Must have.
# LAURA
Oh, he's fucking scrying on us.
# TALIESIN
Maybe he can feel you the way you can feel him.
# MATT
You get the sense that's not how this works.
# TALIESIN
Yeah. I don't know.
# MARISHA
He had another eye, right?
# SAM
Does that thing have an eye in it?
# MATT
The staff you see? It's a carved eye. It's made of wood and paint. It's ornamental. It's mainly used as a focus, technically acts as a plus-one staff.
# TRAVIS
Sprigg. You said this place was a prison.
Did you mean that?
# DARIN
Of course I meant it, boy. I've been there for years.
# TRAVIS
Could you leave? If you wanted.
# DARIN
Of course I can. The prison was more up here than in there.
# TRAVIS
Oh. Sorry about the prison, then.
# DARIN
Why would you be sorry? I asked you for power and redemption. Don't you feel you gave me that? We lived, child. We all lived.
# TRAVIS
Yep. Yes. That is indeed what I was hoping for.
# LAURA
I lean out the window. Hey, Sprigg!
# DARIN
Hello!
# LAURA
Hi.
# DARIN
Hi! How are you? I have some arrows in me at the moment. You like arrows, don't you?
# LAURA
I do. Come in here, I'll take them off your hands.
# DARIN
Okay. Question: if you do that, I'd probably die again.
# LAURA
I'll cure you, darling. Don't worry.
# DARIN
She called me darling.
# SAM
She's the cutest.
# DARIN
(growls) I go in.
(laughter)
# MATT
You walk into your destroyed abode, managing to sidestep all the bear traps along the way.
You've walked the path many times and you know it and I'm actually surprised none of you walked into any of them. You knew where most of them were, but none of you wandered out far enough into the open to do that. They're all inside. You can see your giant friend, of course, that you were talking to as you walked in is twice the size he was earlier.
Previously where you had to hunch, you're now having to almost belly crawl inside the house.
# TRAVIS
But why? There's no separation between the first and the second floor.
# MATT
So if you stand in that space, you're fine.
# TRAVIS
I'm in my space.
# TALIESIN
I'm going to prop our idiot up in the window so I can go in and keep an eye on him even while I'm inside.
# SAM
We have a prisoner?
# TALIESIN
Yeah. I kept one.
# LAURA
But he's one of those creepy ghouls that probably doesn't speak.
# MATT
And in the last minute or so has not been able to break free but is still trying.
# TALIESIN
He automatically fails until 24 hours has elapsed.
# MATT
After the first failed save?
# TALIESIN
Any further attempts by the creature automatically fail until 24 hours have elapsed. He ain't going nowhere. It's mean, man.
# LAURA
Me and Pike can heal him as I take the arrows out.
# MATT
Okay.
# DARIN
At last you've seen the point of me, eh?
# LAURA
(sarcastic laugh) Sprigg, anything valuable in here that you want to save before we get you out of here?
# DARIN
Would like my organs! Oh, I would like to save those.
# LAURA
Yes.
# DARIN
All right. No. There's nothing.
# LAURA
No keys to Ioun? You know where she is?
# DARIN
I might. I hope I do. I hope that I can give you the answers you seek.
# LAURA
I hope so, too. I cast Cure Wounds.
# MATT
Pike casts Cure Wounds on you, as well, and you heal 18.
# DARIN
Do I know her name yet?
# MATT
No, you do not.
# DARIN
Cleric.
# MATT
"Pike."
# DARIN
Yes. Ethred. Or Sprigg. Whichever you like.
You can call me Sprigg. Can you help me pray to Ioun? We need answers, and I think together we might find them.
# MATT
"I can certainly try. Do you have any items of her iconography?"
# DARIN
Do I?
# MATT
Yeah, actually. You just reach over and find one of the undamaged books.
# LAURA
You healed 19, by the way.
# DARIN
Thank you. Use this and you talk to her where I can't. At least, not yet.
# MATT
"I don't know if I can talk to her. I'm not... But I can help you pray. I don't know if "it'll be enough."
# DARIN
Let's give it a go. There's a first time for everything.
# MATT
"Grog!"
# TRAVIS
Yeah?
# MATT
"Can you help me clear some of the floor, please?"
# TRAVIS
Not a problem! (grunting) Keyleth, catch!
# MARISHA
Ah! Ow! (laughter)
# SAM
Floorboards! In her face!
# TRAVIS
I thought you were on fire. I'm really sorry.
# MATT
Pike takes you over to the center of the room and tells you. "Kneel with me. Now take this "book and close your eyes and... apologize."
# DARIN
For what?
# MATT
"For everything you said about Ioun."
# DARIN
(grumbles) All right. Well, look the other way. Find some things that are of value.
# TRAVIS
(whistles)
# LAURA
Trinket sits down next to him and stares, but I'll turn around.
# DARIN
All right. I don't know if you're listening, Ioun. It's been many years since I've actually spoken to a god. I'd like to express my deepest sorrow. You see, this home... didn't mean as much to me as life. And I think these people gave that to me. If you could give us... If you could give me anything, any little hint, it would be greatly appreciated and I would be a warrior in your name forevermore. Please. Was that okay, bear?
# MATT
(huffs, licking) Licks the side of your face.
# DARIN
No, I'm not crying. You're crying, bear.
# MATT
You sit there in silence with your eyes closed, concentrating, holding the book before you. Doesn't seem to be an answer. Just silence in the darkness. Nothing. Everyone wants to look at him-- still turned away?
# MARISHA
Keyleth is definitely staring, but pretending not to stare.
# TALIESIN
I'm watching through the book.
# LAURA
I'm leaning against the wall and staring at him now.
# MATT
Nothing. Nothing responds. As you have your eyes closed, you hear this soft chuckle in the far corner of the room. (cackles) "Really? Praying, are you?"
# DARIN
Yes. Can you help?
# MATT
"Do I look the kind of guy that would help?"
# DARIN
Yes. I've known you for 19 years and I think anybody's capable of anything, so why don't you do something unexpected?
# MATT
"I think you're right. It's no longer your prison. It's not mine, either."
# DARIN
That's true.
# MATT
(flapping) Flies out the window.
# TALIESIN
Oh shit.
# DARIN
Kraghammer has another performer, and not a very good one.
# MATT
While you've been talking, by the way, and the silence has been sad. Taking in the slight emotional cut that not getting a response and putting yourself on that limb means nothing. The rest of you notice his torso is glowing bright blue.
# MARISHA
What? Is it really?
# MATT
Yeah.
# TRAVIS
Your stomach is glowing.
# DARIN
Growing? What? I didn't eat anything. How could my stomach be growing?
# SAM
You're blue balling.
# DARIN
What?
# SAM
(whispering) Look down.
# MATT
Pike looks at you and takes your hands and opens your arms and motions to your chest. And the book in your hand, you pull aside. You glance down and you can see, there's this soft, bluish glow that's emanating from your torso. Strange.
# DARIN
You see? I didn't have to believe in Ioun.
I've found my religion. (chuckling) I'm Bluish! (laughter)
# TRAVIS
Aw, man!
# DARIN
It didn't happen!
# MATT
No, it did. That's canon.
# DARIN
Wait a second, gentlemen. We'll restart for just a second. It'll be fine. That little imp is gone. So apparently, the key... is me.
# LAURA
Is you? It is you.
# SAM
Is in you or is you?
# MARISHA
It is him. I've known it from the minute that I laid eyes upon him. It's him.
# TRAVIS
You did? You knew that the moment you saw him?
# MARISHA
No, I mean I had a hunch, I had a feeling, deep down inside. I can't say it. If I say it out loud and then if it's not true then I'm an asshole.
# LIAM
To be fair, we've only been here 12 minutes.
# DARIN
Yes. House gone. The imp gone. Burny, burny. Sad, sad. Pray, nothing happened. Now I'm blue. That's a day for you, isn't it?
# LAURA
So do you glow brighter the closer we get? What's the deal here?
# DARIN
I've never glowed before, child.
# LAURA
I think it's glown.
# DARIN
I've never glowned.
# SAM
If you're the key, where's the lock? Where do we take you?
# DARIN
Well, I have been gone for many, many years, so English may have changed. To be fair. To be fair. I don't know. This is all new to me. I would have thought it would be in one of those tomes.
# TALIESIN
I'm going to pick up the book that he was holding when he was praying. I'm going to just try and read it.
# MATT
Okay. You glance through it. The book is a simple book, talking about the construction of barricades and it looks like it was less the contents of the book and more just the image of the book itself.
# TALIESIN
I'm going to hand him the book again and see if maybe there's focus to be found. Maybe this is--
# MATT
Okay. Make a perception check.
# TALIESIN
Oh, lord. Ooh. Let's call that a 28.
# MATT
When you took the book from him and handed him another book, there was a very faint vibration to his body as you pulled it from him and gave it back to him. Which you haven't noticed, but there's a physical vibration to him.
# TALIESIN
If it's all-- with your permission, I'm going to take his hands.
# MATT
Okay. You feel them, and you feel this very faint vibration to his body.
# MARISHA
Percy.
# TALIESIN
Yes.
# MARISHA
Continue holding his hands. I pull out the Tome of Quick Movement. Hold. Hold while I find the paper. Hold.
# LAURA
What if he's a tuning fork?
# MARISHA
(shushes)
# DARIN
That's very rude.
# MARISHA
Where is it? I have a lot of things.
# SAM
Divining.
# DARIN
Oh yes. A divining rod. A rod to the divine. Perhaps I am a divining rod.
# LAURA
That's what I mean.
# DARIN
Well said, child!
# MARISHA
I pull out the fork we that we got to get to Elysium. Is it similar?
# MATT
When you pull out the fork and you hold it, you recall that whenever you cast the spell Plane Shift, there was a faint vibration to the specific fork when you cast the spell.
# SAM, TALIESIN
He's the tuning fork.
# MARISHA
Oh no.
# LAURA
What, no? This is good!
# MARISHA
No, it is good. It's good, it's just...
Oh, Sprigg. No, it's fine. It's good. I don't know. Everything in my life seems to have this impermanence factor about it. So I hope he's not something that can be used and discarded.
# DARIN
I haven't been used in 37 years.
# MARISHA
Sprigg.
# DARIN
It's all right. At least I wasn't discarded all that time.
# MARISHA
I'm sure it's fine, I just--
# DARIN
Look. Look at me. Just remember. Whatever happens, remember me. That's all that's important.
# LIAM
That's good advice.
# DARIN
That's all that we have. My friends are gone and I don't even remember their names. I don't remember Thetapax or Zephyr or... the guy with the nose. He was my favorite.
(coughs and sniffles) Dusty in here, isn't it?
# MARISHA
Oh, Sprigg.
# DARIN
(sniffles and coughs) I remember. (softer) I remember. See? It's all up here. So whatever happens, keep me there. All right?
# MARISHA
I guess I have to start getting used to losing things.
# DARIN
Yes. Or you can be hidden away in a prison for 37 years. And that's not life, child. That's hiding. Don't hide.
# MARISHA
I've already built my own prison. They don't know. I'm already there.
# DARIN
You can break out. You can. It's hard. But you can do it. Just take the first step. And then you take another one. And then you take another one.
# MARISHA
And I grab his hand, and with that, I cast Plane Shift to wherever he is leading to go.
# MATT
All right. The rest of you gathered hands for this?
# LAURA
I guess so.
# MATT
All right.
# LAURA
Is there enough of us? Trinket, in the necklace. Quick!
# MATT
Trinket. (roars) Into the necklace.
# DARIN
Wait. My invisible frog companion.
# SAM
Is he real?
# DARIN
Yes.
(laughter)
# MATT
There is a sudden (sucking noise). A shuddering of power energy around you as you feel the vibration out of Sprigg's hand emanate throughout the entire loop you guys have created throughout your grasp. The familiar bright light flashes before you, and you feel your body being pulled through, at incredible speeds, through darkness. There. The familiar racing of the divine gate. (fast travel noise) As you pass through one of its many portholes. Then, adrift. By now you've-- the times you've passed through the gate, you've passed through it a handful of times since now. Adrift. Still holding hands, but the circle's beginning to turn into an oval. You can all glance around and see each other. Did you miss your destination? Did you overshoot? What's next? (whoosh) Another white flash. And suddenly you're at a destination. You glance around and you're standing within a small chamber. It resembles a decadent bathhouse but with no water nor occupants.
It's empty. There are marble pillars stretching to a domed ceiling about 60 feet above you all.
Silk-draped cloths drift and hang at odd angles throughout the ceiling. Glowing points of magical light latched within iron cages dangle at the edges of these pillars about 15 feet up that give the faint glow to an otherwise darkened room.
There are walls on each side of this chamber, about 30 or 40 feet from you, and one arched hallway across from you that leads to the only other chamber you've seen.
# MARISHA
I immediately turn and look to see if Sprigg is still holding my hand.
# MATT
Sprigg is still holding your hand.
# LAURA
See? All that fucking shit was for nothing! He's still alive!
# SAM
Are you the same Sprigg as before?
# DARIN
I hope so. Let's ask my invisible frog companion. Well, I guess we'd better go find what we are looking for.
# MARISHA
Okay. Glad you're with us, Sprigg.
# DARIN
It's good to be alive.
# MARISHA
Yes, it is.
# DARIN
Remember that.
# MARISHA
Okay. I will.
# MATT
As you guys walk forward towards the singular hallway, you go through the domed arch, and the hallway extends on. Featureless, smooth grey marble. Like a solid punch that seemed to have carved out whatever this material was. It extends for 100 feet. 150 feet. And even though there's very very faint light, and many of you can see through darkvision, there is a darkness about 60 feet from you that seems to consume what you can see. You can only see so far beyond that radius, and you're not quite sure where that oppressive shadow is coming from. The air is chilled, but not uncomfortably so. You can hear the distant sound of pinched winds whining through small spaces. A familiar sound from the many times you've spent underground, through caverns that had some openings that allowed air to streak through to the surface.
A few steps more and suddenly the hallway opens into a second chamber. Into a library, if you could even call it that. Bookshelves that stretch upward for seemingly hundreds of feet, before flickering lights fell from your vision. You do not see where they stop. These columns of just tomes and cases and scrolls and parchments stacking as in tablets and any form of recorded information seem to just be infinite in front of you, to two sides of this road and upward. They seem to stretch in almost every direction, the walls to the side of you. You see columns ahead of you, and they tend to wind and curl like a labyrinth made of bookcases, to no end. It's very Escher-esque in how the further up you look, they tend to curve and shift and bend around each other.
Your eyes, now attuned to the realms beyond mortality, you catch glimpses of shifting wind gathering books and turning pages. Spirits of the library, though sparse as they may be from this entry point, organizing. Reading and learning from whatever words are within. You begin to almost get vertigo, trying to contemplate the strange and overwhelming construction of such a wondrous place. An endless sea of stories. Spectral custodians keeping the tales of each other and the history of Exandria past, present, and binding the pages to tell what will eventually be the present, currently the future.
# TALIESIN
I've dreamed of this place.
# LIAM
Inside Matt's brain?
# TALIESIN
This is immortality. This is everything.
(sighs, chuckles) I may never leave. I glide over to Vex and hold her close. This is stunning. My god, I think they may have actually forgotten all the idiot things I said yesterday.
# LAURA
Feels pretty good, doesn't it?
# TALIESIN
I think they've completely forgotten.
I'm sorry. May have panicked.
# LAURA
I give him a kiss.
# TALIESIN
I'll be right back. I'm going to run towards one of those stacks, like a child.
# MATT
Okay. You begin to take the first--
# TALIESIN
I'm doing a title run. I want to figure out the organizational system before I touch a book.
# MATT
There are no words on any of the spines.
# TALIESIN
I pick one.
# MATT
Okay. You pick.
# TALIESIN
All right. I pick it up. I look around to see if anybody has a problem. And I turn to the title page.
# MATT
It's ironic you do this, because the book is in Celestial.
# TALIESIN
I read Celestial.
# MATT
You do. It's ironic that you did that.
(chuckles) Glancing through, it appears to be describing a birth. Describing a tunnel, then a light, then a cry.
# TALIESIN
I skip to the end. Last page.
# MATT
It seems to be an older man, surrounded by his family--
# TALIESIN
I've got it. I put it down. I pick up another one.
# MATT
You glance through this book.
# TALIESIN
First page.
# MATT
Begins very similarly to the last one.
# TALIESIN
Last page.
# MATT
This one actually ends with what appears to be a horseback riding accident.
# MARISHA
Oh god, they're souls.
# TALIESIN
115 pages in.
# MATT
115 pages in you get to a page that seems to talk about the sorrow of a lost romance, and trying to deal, coping at a young adult age.
# TALIESIN
I put it back and I turn. They're made of people.
# LAURA
Wait, what? It's skin books?
# TALIESIN
It's people! And I'm going to find the most interesting spine and I'm going to turn to the first. Birth. Death.
# LAURA
I can't read that, dear.
# TALIESIN
Birth! Death! Sex. Birth, death, some disappointment. I am just gone. I'm running back and forth, finding whatever interesting spine I can. Are they all in Celestial?
# MATT
They are currently. All the ones you've picked up are in Celestial.
# TALIESIN
Oh my god. Okay. This is great. All right. I'm eventually probably going to pass out from mild hyperventilation and have to sit down.
# LAURA
We should maybe find Ioun, don't you think?
# TALIESIN
If we must, yes. Just as an experiment, I'm going to think about Vesper and try and touch a book. I don't expect this to work, but I'm going to close my eyes and think about, and pick it up and flip through it.
# MATT
Make a religion check.
# TALIESIN
Nope.
# MATT
You grab a tome and pull it forth, and as you read through the story, it's an unfamiliar one.
# TALIESIN
There's a system. I will discover the system. I'm going to keep running around like a kid.
# MATT
What are the rest of you guys doing while Percival is running around like a kid?
# TRAVIS
I'm not interested in the fucking books.
# MARISHA
Distracted by Percy, Keyleth just scans.
Does anything in Primordial stick out?
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# MARISHA
That's good. 29.
# MATT
Glancing about, none of the spines have anything written on them, so you have to start pulling a few books out and opening them.
# MARISHA
I hold my hand over and pull.
# MATT
You open it up. It's not in a language you understand.
# MARISHA
I put it back and get frustrated.
# TALIESIN
I've stopped. I'm good.
# LIAM
Watched her the whole time and quietly walk up behind and give her a hug from behind and don't say anything.
# SAM
Are there any doors leading forward or back?
# MATT
It's a labyrinth of bookshelves. There's a path forward between, two or three ahead of you, but then it comes to an end where it splits off in two directions. Like I said, they travel up infinitely, so you're not quite sure which way leads where.
# LAURA
Is Sprigg still glowing?
# MATT
Sprigg is, actually-- There's a very faint blue glow in him that never really faded since your arrival.
# LAURA
I wonder if we could follow the glow.
Warmer?
# MARISHA
Hey, Sprigg. Stand over there!
# DARIN
All right. I run to where she's pointing.
Is there any change in the glow?
# MATT
No noticeable change.
# MARISHA
Damn. Sprigg, stand over there!
# DARIN
I just was shot with a bunch of arrows, so give me a second. I run over there, stop halfway and go, ow, and then I continue. When I get there, any change in the glow?
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# DARIN
Oh, it's a one.
# MATT
No discernible difference.
# SAM
You're inspired, if you want to use inspiration.
# MATT
It's a natural one. It's an auto-fail.
# TALIESIN
Is there a card catalog?
# SAM
Is there a central area info desk?
# MATT
You can make an investigation check to begin to wander around and try to find your way.
# SAM
Oh, that's a natural 20.
# MATT
Scanlan seems to walk with purpose into one of the random rows.
# SAM
I'm clutching my Ioun stone.
# MATT
Okay. All right. Anyone else do anything?
# TALIESIN
He seems to have purpose. I'm giddily following behind.
# MATT
Okay, Percy's following Scanlan.
# LAURA
I'm going to walk with Percy. Oh, and Trinket's out.
# MATT
Okay. Trinket (bear grunt) looks confused and starts looking up.
# LAURA
I know. I know, dear.
# MATT
Falls onto his back.
# SAM
Are Vex and Percy walking with me?
# MATT
Yes, they are.
# SAM
I'm going to whip out my flute and I start going, (wedding march).
# TALIESIN
Oh. He may have heard.
# LAURA
He heard?
# TALIESIN
I thought you were going to die! I may have panicked.
# LAURA
Wait.
# TALIESIN
We were asked to plead for your life, and I may have panicked.
# LAURA
Who did you tell? Percival, who did you tell?
# SAM
Look at your shirt.
# LAURA
What? (screams) No!
# TALIESIN
I panicked!
# LAURA
Percy!
# TALIESIN
I panicked! There was a giant glowing sun, and I may have panicked. Well, I was a bit vague, but I was--
# LAURA
A bit vague? Scanlan, what did he say?
# SAM
Well.
# TALIESIN
Oh no.
# SAM
First comes love. Then comes marriage.
# TALIESIN
I may have hinted that we might have eloped. May have hinted.
# SAM
Wait, you're married?
# TALIESIN
I may have hinted.
# SAM
Wait, no, you said you were betrothed to be married? Wait, you're married? Oh, wow, you just spilled it!
# TALIESIN
Silence! Cone of Silence!
# SAM
They're married!
# MATT
You try and yell, and it's making no sound.
It is just absolute quiet. What are the rest of you guys doing?
# DARIN
I run in the corner and see if I glow again.
# LIAM
Keyleth and Vax heard the (wedding march), so we had a very different silent scene over in our spot.
# MARISHA
Yeah, Keyleth was quietly sobbing in Vax's arms and then heard (wedding march) and went (angry roar).
# LAURA
Why is that bad? Why was that angry?
# LIAM
Because we don't get that.
# LAURA
Oh.
# MATT
Grog?
# SAM
So you're going to ruin everyone else's joy.
You're one of those couples.
# LIAM
Thank you, vacation Scanlan.
# MARISHA
Worst double date sangria partners ever.
# TALIESIN
He's back, ladies and gentlemen. He's back and taking no prisoners.
# SAM
Are you guys going on vacation? We got a divorce.
# LIAM
It's the Debbie Downer SNL sketch.
# MATT
Grog, what are you doing?
# TRAVIS
I'm as uncomfortable as I can possibly be.
This is the worst-case scenario of my entire life.
I'm not moving and hoping this is all over soon.
# TALIESIN
I love that.
# TRAVIS
It's just endless books, beyond what you can see! Are there chairs?
# LAURA
I feel like Pike would've comforted him.
# MATT
Yeah, Pike comes over.
# TRAVIS
There are chairs?
# MATT
No, there aren't. She goes, "Do you want to go with everyone else, Grog?"
# TRAVIS
I don't know. Do you?
# MATT
"It's okay, yeah! They're walking."
# TRAVIS
I want to leave. Fast.
# MATT
"The faster we follow them, then the faster we can go."
# TRAVIS
Okay. Let's go.
# MATT
"I bet you could read some of these books."
# TRAVIS
I bet not. These are really tall books.
# MATT
"Come on." She grabs your hand and begins tugging you behind her. What are you guys doing?
# MARISHA
Me and him?
# MATT
Yeah.
# LIAM
Leaning into each other.
# MATT
Okay. So you guys stay there.
# DARIN
I'm trying to see if I'm glowing anywhere.
# MATT
You run around for a good minute and a half and you're not seeing any sort of change.
# DARIN
Nothing?
# MATT
No.
# DARIN
Can I go forward into the bookcases and look right and left to see where they lead?
# MATT
Okay, yeah. You turn around the corner and see them disappear around the edge.
# DARIN
I'll continue.
# MATT
Okay. So you follow them. As you guys are having this silent argument, Sprigg catches up to you, but you hear nothing, Sprigg, as they're all going...
# TALIESIN
I just turned it off. I got everyone to agree.
# MATT
Okay.
# LAURA
Hi. How's it going?
# DARIN
Glowing. You are, too! What's going on with that? Yeah, you seem to be blushing.
# LAURA
It's so hot in here. It's very hot in here.
# MATT
Pike and Grog catch up around the corner.
# TRAVIS
What did you find? The way out? Exit?
# SAM
Seems like it could be this way. We'll have to band together and go forward.
# TRAVIS
Really?
# SAM
Yes.
# TALIESIN
Where did you get the sunglasses from?
# SAM
It's glowing in here.
# MATT
The Ioun stone actually is giving a faint glow similar to the glow that you see emanating from Sprigg's torso.
# SAM
Is it glowing any more than--
# MATT
Make a perception check.
# SAM
Oh, okay. That's an eight. Maybe 11, I don't know. Do I add Jack of All Trades?
# MATT
You do, yeah. If you're not--
# SAM
I really want to know. I will inspire myself, and I'll add a d12. That makes it 16.
# MATT
Okay. You start getting the sense, the further you walk, both your stone and Sprigg are beginning to emanate a slightly stronger glow, and so you guys begin to realize that this could be used as a path to something. You're not quite sure.
# SAM
Let's keep going.
# MATT
Okay. So everyone's going behind.
# LIAM
Imagination clarification, because a Silence effect went off there. Did Vax and Keyleth hear, "You're married?" Or was that all covered by Silence?
# MATT
No, he crushed that in Silence.
# LIAM
So we heard the song, but that's it. Good to know.
# MATT
Everyone else has gone ahead and vanished into the library. You guys are staying?
# LIAM
Noticing that we're totally alone, silently tug Keyleth down after them.
# TALIESIN
I felt that honesty was important at that moment.
# LAURA
No, it very much is. I'm very glad. I'm just surprised he didn't say anything. I spoke with him.
# SAM
He was acting nobly. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to.
# TALIESIN
We had to tell them eventually.
# MATT
As you're following the stone, you hear some footfalls as Vax and Keyleth catch up to you guys.
# MARISHA
We already know. It's fine.
# LIAM
You're engaged. You don't have to--
# TALIESIN
Well.
# LAURA
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about that.
Engagement. But you know.
# MARISHA
You fucking liars. You fucking liars! Just tell us! We know!
# LAURA
We got married.
# TALIESIN
We may have gotten married.
# MARISHA
Yeah. (sarcastically) Oh, surprise!
# TALIESIN
It was going to be--
# LAURA
(weakly) Celebration!
# TALIESIN
We didn't want to make it a thing. We wanted it to just be--
# SAM
I think it's great.
# LAURA
Thank you, Scanlan.
# SAM
It's wonderful when two people can fall in love and have each other forever and ever. That's nice. No, I mean it! You guys are great. You're super cute together. You'll make Whitestone-- You'll be celebrities there.
# TRAVIS
Do we have to get you gifts?
# SAM
No, they eloped, so we're clear.
# TALIESIN
Very specifically, no. This place.
# MARISHA
Yeah, it's amazing. And Keyleth lights up her flame hands as she walks off in a fury.
# TALIESIN
Do you not know what this place means? Am I the only one who understands what this place means?
# TRAVIS
I would love to know.
# TALIESIN
It all matters!
# LAURA
None of us have forgotten.
# TALIESIN
No, I mean, really! It all matters! So much, and it's not going to go away! Nothing goes away!
# MARISHA
No, it only gets filed away in some library where no one else can experience it except for, what, one, maybe two people ever.
# TALIESIN
One and two people are all that it takes to experience something!
# MATT
An echoing voice billows out from the right side of your troupe. A creaky, warm, matronly voice that surrounds and almost welcomes you with the intonation of a grandmother. It says, "Nothing is "forever, Percival." You glance off to the right, and you can see there's a break in the bookcase.
To your right, you see the shelves have stopped ahead in this direction to reveal a circular common area within the library, where the ground domes downward into an 80-foot-wide concave pit of cushions and tables, all standing at odd angles alongside this pit, but never sliding. Gravity seems to shift depending on where the dome stands.
These tables hold teacups and writing implements and various other décor, and things that involve binding and writing. None of them slipping, all of them affixed to the table as the dome slowly comes to a central rest. Long, spiraling streams of silver, blue, and gray silk descend from the supposed ceiling that is beyond your sight, and they come down like drifting silks that push past as you enter the area.
Sitting 40 feet from you in the center of the dome, no larger than a normal person, is an older woman with long, wavy silver hair. Her olive skin is somewhat weathered and wrinkled around her almond eyes, but the warmth of her smile, and her vibrant purple irises put you at ease immediately. Her blue and white robes tumble out from her form in tendrils of parchment that snake through the pillows like roots. She smiles as you turn and see her. "I felt that you would find me." And that's where we'll end tonight's session.
# SAM
Wow, Matt. Wow, Darin!
# LIAM
Can everybody watching still at home give a round of applause for Darin?
# MATT
Seriously. If you're available, you may want to, if you can, come and join us for the first half maybe. Not next week, but the week after Comic Con, if you're interested. Because I want to roleplay out you meeting Ioun.
# DARIN
It would be an honor. You know how important this is to me.
# MATT
Great. I'll look forward to having you back in a couple weeks, then.
# DARIN
And I will see you next weekend, as well!
# MATT
Yes, indeed. Oh, Comic Con. Guys, thank you so much. Great game, well done. Breaking stuff, apparently. Once again, we have no episode next week because we'll be at Comic Con, but we have our panel on Saturday for Critical Role. Love you guys, hope you have a wonderful night, and is it Thursday yet? Good night! [music]
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